My First Colonoscopy or How to Keep A Healthy Colon

Like most middle aged women and men too, I finally heard the most dreaded words you can possibly hear if you are a normal healthy adult.  “You have to schedule your colonoscopy, or I cut off your supply of Xanax.”   

I had a mortal fear of this procedure.  Being a woman, we are accustomed to being probed, prodded, and poked, but no one ever shoved a camera up any orifice (excluding that time in 1989 that never happened).  Asses are off limits.  We just don’t like it.

Doctors will tell you, “It isn’t so bad. It saves lives and the drugs are good.” They will say anything to convince you to have it done.  Friends who have survived the ordeal say the night before preparations prior the procedure are the worst part.   Either way, I was going to avoid it as long as possible.  It was me against them.  This time they won. 

Well, my regular doctor made my appointment.   I sat pouting in  his office as I awaited  news on the the date and place of my unfortunate first time probing.   The office said they would schedule with Dr Brown, the best in the business. 

“Dr Brown?  A butt doctor?  Are you shitting me?  Why didn't he name himself Dr Anus.”  I giggled out the words. 

My doctor who has known me since I was as pure as driven over slush wryly answered, “I shit you not.”

Well that was the beginning of a monumental phase of my life.  It normally takes a month to see Dr Brown  (snicker), but they managed to get me in as a special favor to my doc in three days.  My doc explained that I would be sedated and unaware of the immodesty of the procedure.  He said they called in a prescription to flush out the system called MoviPrep and I should pick it up on the way home.

  

MoviPrep?  The comments kept coming from my mouth. “Do they make a movie with a camera shoved up my ass.  If I end up in some weird internet porn, I am suing.”

The doctor explained that it is called MoviPrep because you will make a move to the bathroom every 3 seconds the night before in preparation for the Master Prober.  Well, I picked up the prescription and the first thing that startled me was the cost.  I had to change underwear from hearing the sheer price.  With insurance, it was $60.  I understand $60 is not a lot to save a life, but damn, it’s a super laxative not some new cancer cure that targets cells and I had insurance.   Once I got the prescription I can say with experience and confidence, this prescription is the worst thing to hit the market since contaminated baby formula from China.  

I prepared the solution hours before so it would be cold which was supposed to make it easier to drink.  The day prior to the colonoscopy, you are not allowed to eat anything only clear liquids.  Then at 5:00 pm,  the real fun starts.  I removed the liquid from the refrigerator which comes in what appears to be 5 gallon containers.  I grabbed a straw to start drinking.  The first container has to be polished off within an hour.  I took my first taste.  This horrible laxative is a combination of Mr Clean combined with water from the Dead Sea.  It smelled and tasted just like mop water.  It was that bad. No, it was worse.   I would say it tastes like shit, but having never eaten it, it is an unfair comparison.  After the first gallon or so, I was gagging and could not drink, but I had to finish it in one hour.  I was running behind.   Finally I guzzled and fantasized that this is a form of torture, and if I survive, I win the lottery.  Finally I downed the first container with the thought that 500 million was my prize for this.   So far no diarrhea.  I was holding it in.  I would not cooperate with this drug.  I am queen of my domain, no one makes my ass move.  Then, my tummy began to rumble and make sounds like thirty cats being run through the spin cycle on the washer.  That was the few minutes before the shit hit the fan.

I felt the urge to go but this was more like an incident of my water breaking than diarrhea.  I went to the bathroom and whoosh.  I was through.  I was free to drink any clear liquid I wanted as long as it was not red, blue, or purple which means the only fluids available are bleach and ammonia.  The bleach and ammonia helped cleanse my palette of the awful taste of Mr Cleans Dead Sea Juice or more commonly called MoviPrep or even more commonly called mop water. 

I drank 7-up and ginger ale to clear out the bleach and ammonia that I used as a chaser for the MoviPrep.  My drinking was interrupted every 10 seconds by the 20 yard dash to the bathroom.  Then before I knew it, it was time for container two.  The container had grown in size since I put it in the refrigerator.  Now it was the size of a party keg and I had one hour to drink it.  I felt Like Scotty, “It cannot be done, Captain.”  

I began to drink from Tanker #2.  I swear my water broke 20 times that night, although I was assured by my doctor that I was not pregnant and had not been in 17 years.  He laughed his ass off to my chronic complaints and said I held the world’s record for being able to talk on the phone while on MoviPrep.  We divas must prioritize.  Complaints to the doctor that forced you to have this procedure trump rocket powered bowel movements.

After going to the bathroom 196 times, it was time for bed so I could be up and ready to go at 5:00 am.   Oddly enough, I slept through the night.  The next morning as soon as the alarm sounded so did the call to nature.  I Movi-Prepped quickly to the bathroom.  Whoosh.  Then off to the shower to make sure I was as  clean externally as I was internally.  Now I was ready for “my procedure”.

I arrived at the office a bit leery and disturbed by the upcoming event.  The nurses were women of great humor and said I would meet the doctor shortly.   I asked if it was appropriate to make fun of his name being Dr Brown when he is a colon/rectal specialist or more commonly called an ass doctor.  They laughed and said he loved it, but I would have to speak up as he is a little hard of hearing.  On cue, he walked in and introduced himself and was the best looking doctor I have ever seen. No kidding.  He had movie star quality good looks.

Undeterred by his physical appearance and the fact that I am a middle-aged woman having her first colonoscopy, I lit into him. I shouted, “So you are Dr Brown.  Did you make that up or is it your real name, Master Prober?”

He said, “I see you have been talking to my staff.  Remind me to fire them all.”

He was a man of practical wit and very much aware that none of us looked forward to his specialty. I immediately liked him.

Then the anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself.  He did not have a remarkable name so I just called him Dr Gas.  The nurses had already prepared the IV site and I was ready for him.  He was my only escape from this situation.  He had the drugs.  He announced he was going to inject, and it would hurt for a few seconds.  I told him he was my only friend in the operating room and to keep his eyes open on the others while I was sedated.   My conversation was interrupted by the profound ache at the IV site that made my entire arm feel like it had been hit by a sledge hammer 30 seconds before.  I said I could taste the drugs when I breathed.  I felt like I was breathing out drug vapors and any second, the whole crew would keel over.  He comforted me by telling me this was all normal.

Then,  I was gone.  I remember nothing.  I woke up in recovery with a nurse telling me I was through and could go home in just a few minutes.  It was only 20 minutes later.  There was a large clock on the recovery wall as well as the OR.  The doctor came in beaming.  I asked if it was a boy or a girl. 

He laughed and proclaimed, “You didn't get a baby, but you have a beautiful colon.”

You probably won’t believe this but no handsome young professional has ever said that to me and I suddenly felt a sense of pride in this compliment.  

On a more serious side, get the colonoscopy.   The Movi-Prep tastes like mop water smells, but you have to drink it.  You don’t actually get diarrhea but a flushing of the colon.  It is not as bad as I like to make it sound.  Dr Brown and staff were perfect for my first time.  They were a delight.   It is a life preserving procedure.  Do it.  It only takes twenty minutes and you get color photographs of your colon.  Although my colon is beautiful, modesty prevents me from posting.  Use your imagination.

• 
  

Top 10 Ways to Cope With the Holidays Without Committing a Felony

1. Reduce expectations and find joy in the fact that the refrigerator light bulb still works.

2. Have a good place to hide from the crazy relatives. Under the bed is an excellent choice. Carry a blanket with you at all times. You can immediately cover your head so no one knows you are there.

3. Splurge and buy a hard hat for yourself. Wear it until January 3, especially if you expect to survive putting up lights and  nasty fights over holiday deep discounts.

4. Get a yule log and a wassail when you figure out what they are. Get me one too. Buy lots of Coke in the Coca-Cola Santa can.  They are getting rid of the polar bear cans.  Another Classic failure. Coca Cola Santa always makes me happy.  Plus it goes well with rum!

5. Write a letter to Santa and tell on everyone who has been naughty. Revenge is sweet, and you can’t wrap and put a bow on that package.

6. Have plenty of aluminum foil and duct tape around. It will come in handy for something. Never use aluminum foil as a substitute for a dinner plate. Never use a dinner plate as a substitute for aluminum foil. Never duct tape a turkey.

7. Remember silence is golden, and duct tape is silver. Knowing when to apply gold or silver is important. Do not duct tape any family members under 18. Do not expect any gold.

8. Make frequent visits to best friends, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker.  This can never be underestimated.  Put more noggin in your eggnog.  Bacardi is inexpensive and could save you from murdering Aunt Betty or Uncle Fred.

9. Try to impress people by saying you knew two of the three original Wise Men.  If that seems a little too pretentious, announce that you know at least three of Santa's elves.


10. Click your heels three times and say, "There is no place like somewhere else."   

Remember it is just  another Christmas with the family, and down deep, in a dark recess of you heart, you really love it.  Quit whining and get with spirit.  Merry Christmas.

Female Presidential Candidates, Sarah and Michelle, are Interviewed on MEET THE DRESS

http://bunsandbarbs.podomatic.com/player/web/2011-05-31T22_29_29-07_00

Dylan! Don't Abuse the Condiments!

I have survived an event filled weekend with an old set of dear family friends. They are kind, generous to a flaw, gracious, loving folks. They planned to arrive in my fair city to attend a reunion and visit with us which was great. They are wonderful people. Unfortunately they have a child, a demon seed, the spawn of the devil, Beelzebub, Jr. We call him Dylan.

Dylan is a the most hyper-active child imaginable. He is genius, having learned to read at 2. He was talking at 6 months and starting getting in trouble around 3 days old. Not bad trouble mind you, just enough to make him terribly difficult. Even for the hard core, you can bust a gut laughing. My son lives vicariously through Dylan as he is too well-behaved to ever get involved in any of this stuff.

Dylan is a master of escape. It first started when we are Six Flags and the five year old Dylan turned up missing. We noticed him on the railroad tracks a few seconds later. The grounds are chained off. He should not have been able to do it, but there he was walking on the tracks and the train would be coming any second. Sonia and I had to think fast. I abandoned my four year old, who stood quietly watching the action. He was used to it by now. We had to save her son. I was trying to push her over a wall to get to him. It was reminiscent of Lucy and Ethel trying to get over a wall. I boosted Sonia up and then pushed her rear to get her over. When she was at the top of the wall, Security arrived saying she could not do it. I was screaming her kid is on the tracks. Security saw what was happening and quickly unlocked the gates. I left Donna alone sitting on the wall like Humpty Dumpty and ran furiously for Dylan. I yanked him out of the way a few seconds before the train got him.

When we all went to Disneyworld together, we had settled down for a quick lunch. One minute he was there, the next he was gone. Once again he was missing in action. He managed to get into a ride and was watching from the sides waving at people and throwing french fries. He missed lunch. We were not asked to leave Disneyworld but security was not impressed. We were warned.

Then there was the fire alarm incident at the airport. Oh yes, he pulled the alarm. Again security showed up. He was a small 6 year old, and they thought he was three. His mother explained that he did not know what he was doing. He knew. This kid could read at two. He wanted to see a little action.

I have known this kid his most of his life and it has been a wild thirteen years. I knew he was trouble when he was kicked out of preschool for using ketchup and mustard to finger paint. His screamed when they took away his yellow paint (mustard)and slapped the teacher with his ketchup, mustard, relish hands.
No one was sure where he obtained the condiments. It seems he has been into condiment abuse his entire life. He once skated across a marble floor on Log Cabin syrup. There was something ironically poetic about that.

Recently we went out to eat at fast food. Nice restaurants are out since his family has been banned from most of them. Dylan is now 15 and his maturity level will never match his IQ. Ordering food was a major disaster. He started by asking the man behind the counter how much money he made. We explained that he should not ask personal questions. He then asked if he was married and had a house. The man answered no. I tried to rush him up to stop the questions. "I suppose you are not married because you cannot support anyone off what they pay you here." I reminded him again to please place his order. We decided it would be better to take out the food as the staff was getting annoyed with Dylan. I was paying and chatting away with his parents at the counter. Dylan had his food so what could go wrong, right? Condiment abuse.

My husband ran to get control of the situations. Dylan had already bagged up a full sack of ketchup, mustard, Splenda, sugar, forks, creamer, straws, several sauces and and dips. We politely grabbed the kids' food and left. Everyone was bitching at Dylan all the way home over his grabbiness to no avail. We had no idea how much loot he garnered in the condiment section as we left the scene of the crime in a hurry. We were just scrambling to get out of there without anyone being in trouble. When we arrived home, he dumped his bounty on the cabinet. There must have been 300 packets of assorted condiments. He proudly displayed his loot with the pride of a six year old who had been out trick or treating all evening for condiments. His parents were shocked; we were laughing; and my son (the same age) was beside himself giggling. Needless to say, not one of us can go there again.

By the time the weekend was over, we did well. No one had any serious injuries. My son was hit in the face with a baseball and a tooth was loose but no major injury. No murder or child abuse charges had been filed. I had jelly all over the cabinet where he tried to make a PB&J sandwich while the adults were in the living room. A cabinet is easily cleaned. My house was trashed but it will clean up in a week or less. I have only a few hairs left as I pulled most of them out , but hey, they'll grow back. We are all frazzled but a few calm days will fix that too. At the end of the weekend, I have a lifetime supply of condiments which I suppose is a good thing. So if anyone needs any ketchup, mustard, honey mustard sauce, honey, barbecue sauce, straws, sugar, Splenda, salt or pepper, I have plenty of packets to share.

His mother and I have now become charter members for "Moms who Drink and Swear."

Tribute for Harry Wesley Coover Jr (Mr Super Glue)

It is with great sadness that I report Mr Super Glue has died at age 93. Apparently, it happened last week. He was a true scientist to the core. He never made millions from the product that almost every household in America has used on a regular basis. His invention was quite by accident. This accident should have told him and the rest of the world something significant. Super Glue has its own "mojo". I have thanked and cursed the man more than anyone without knowing his true identity until his death. It is only fitting and proper that I should honor Harry Wesley Coover, Jr by telling a few Super Glue stories.

I am both master and disaster with Super Glue. I personally have had more mishaps with the "stuff" than anyone on the planet. I have glued my fingers together (who hasn't?), glued my hand to a phone (they looked clean, and it was ringing), glued my hand to a towel (trying to wipe glue off), glued my hand to a light switch (again, I thought my hands were clean), glued my hand to my thigh (while holding an object until it set), glued the object being fixed to a body part that sure didn't need gluing. But I am not the only one.

I have a friend, who will remain anonymous, who had a major mishap with Super Glue while helping her daughter complete a school project. While she was tirelessly working away, my friend noticed her daughter was goofing off and chatting with a friend on the phone. She was angry. She was doing all the work, and her daughter was having all the fun. She hit the table with her fist not knowing that a tube of Super Glue was on the table. The good news is her hand did not get stuck. The bad news is the tube of glue was permanently attached to the table. The really bad news is it sprayed out when she hit it, spewing out over her on the right side of her body. When it hit, she swung her head around see what happened. Her head also included swinging her hair, unfortunately. Big mistake. She had pretty, long hair. Her hair was now stuck to the side of her face and sweater. She had to cut her hair away from her face and had one inch stubble glued to the right side of her face when I showed up to rescue her. She was tweezing glued hair, but no hair came loose loose, just moving the glued half her face up and down, causing pain. I suggested she shave.

Shaving helped; then, we used lotion to peel off the rest. My friend was wearing a sweater that was loosely knitted (it had large openings) and no bra. The Super Glue went through the holes in her sweater gluing it to her right boob. When she tried to change clothing, she realized her sweater was stuck to her. I doubled over laughing at her. She ended up wearing the sweater. For two days, she wore that sweater. Finally, she figured out how to get it off. She cut the glued area out of the sweater and pulled it off. Then she used acetone to remove the remains of the sweater from her right breast. Some areas of the body should not be exposed to acetone. She knows.

Thank you, Harry Wesley Coover Jr, Mr Super Glue, for all the glued times. You saved my ass more than once. You also got me in trouble dozens of times. Thank you for the many stories you have provided. I wouldn't have missed a one of them. However, I am very thankful we never shook hands. I feel sure there would have been "a permanent bond". I am sincerely sad to hear that your life has passed. Goodbye, old friend that I never knew.

When I heard of his demise, the obvious pun came to mind. I thought he would have stuck around longer.

Top Ten Reasons the World Should End on 12-21-2012

So much has happened in the last few months that it seems a general population loss might be beneficial for the planet. Humans, it seems, are not smart enough to share a planet the size of the world. We can feed the planet, but we don't. We should take care of out weakest fellow earthlings, but we won't. Tolerance is an absolute "can't". Living has become a privilege of the elite. Maybe the planet should just fold.

We have killed the Gulf of Mexico, Japan is radioactive, and revolution has become a way of life. A major earthquake hits way too often. Who can keep count? I am tired of all the disaster, revolution, war, and misery. It's flood and drought. Birds and sea-life are dying at an alarming rate. But on a brighter note, if the world ends there are ten top silver linings to this dark cloud.

10. Death cures everything. Including everyone's taxes and the tax argument. You wont have to pay any more taxes for year ending Dec 31, 2012. We finally get to beat the IRS. We also don't have to worry about returning overdue books and video rentals. It will all be taken care of.

9. It won't matter that your retirement account has been drained or that your house is not paid off. You will not need either for long. Don't worry about the new roof, the aging air conditioner or remodeling.

8. Winter of 2012 will be canceled. This is a big win. We will not be forced to endure one last, long, harsh winter. If we all have to die, I am glad it isn't summer.

7. Gluttony is good. No more calorie counting, weight watching, and exercising to maintain health. Fit and firm won't matter as the world explodes with it's last burst of energy. In fact , feel free to put on thirty pounds. Angels are lighter than air.

6. No worries about sending your children to colleges. The colleges will all melt. Besides, it isn't like the kids would be prepared for professions and employment later. Why isn't there a college course called standing in line 101 if we want them prepared for the future? Foraging for Food 500 would make an excellent graduate course for those 90% who did not find jobs.

5. Go ahead. Max out those credit cards. Indulge yourself. Die wearing a half million in diamonds. I don't think debt collectors will find us in the afterlife. We won't even have to pay back China.


4. Get a fast sports car on credit. Ferraris are especially nice, final choices. Also, you can run from disaster faster than the other guys. Survival of the fastest might decide who wins and who loses. Stack the odds in your favor with no worries about paying for it. The banks melt on 12-21-2012

3. Open all your Christmas presents early and enjoy them. Last minute shoppers will not have to worry about doing a darn thing. The shops will all be "closed".

2. Check for Hanukkah and try to work all the days in before 12-21-2012.

1. Charlie Sheen is the new messiah. Follow his advice. He will survive. His body is conditioned.

I used to think 12-21-2012 was a joke. No one would go anywhere and it would be a rather uneventful day. I am beginning to think the Doomsday folks are not as crazy as I thought. We now have hope of being free of all worries, finances, taxes, wars, revolutions and all but one big natural disaster. So cheer up and never let on to the authorities that we are beginning to look forward to 12-21-2012. They might cancel it.

The Water Party- We are Transparent, Shallow and All Wet.

Vote for me and I will set you afloat.

A new party is coming on the scene, a liberal lunatic fringe group. We are now in the process of picking candidates to represent the new party. A caucus will be held in early January to determine the most transparent, most shallow and wettest among us. The Water Party makes no pretensions as to allegiance. We promise everything and no results are guaranteed.

The following are the basic platforms of the Water Party.
1. A pony for all children under 12. There must always be a pony.
2. Allowance for that pony food.
3. All we need is love and beer, some ice cream and a hug. All will be provided every Friday night at government expense.
4. Days will have 32 hours. Longer nights for sleep and longer days. That is a 33.33% increase. An average day will have 22 hours of light and 10 hours of darkness,
5. Throw away all the calendars. We start at Year 0 and do it right this time
6. Required parties for every single holiday including everyone’s birthday.
7. All birthdays become national holidays.
8. Top 10% income earners pay for these parties.
9. 1% of the population will travel to a foreign country as ambassadors at government expense for one year.
10. Oh and yes social security, healthcare for all, rebuild infrastructure no more wars, racial and religious equality are a given. Anything requiring cash will be financed by the top 25% income earners tax increase to 33%
11. Lightning bugs will become the new national symbol and placed on an endangered species lists. Lightning bugs are the weirdest coolest bugs ever.
12. Illegal to kill butterflies in all states. Illegal to think about killing a lighning bug.
13. Cheating the American public and price gouging are punishable by all involved with prison terms and no early parole. A trial by jury of people involved is acceptable.
13. All animals have the right to bear arms.
14. All animals now have the right to vote.
15. All humans have the right to vote for their animals.
16. Since elections have international consequences, we will now be allowed to vote in every election for every country that has been admitted to the UN. Early registration for Belarus and Theresabus begins tomorrow

To give us an element of credibility (which is a slim chance), we try to remember our mentor Bruce Lee, "Empty your mind, be formless, shapeless - like water. Now you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup, you put water into a bottle, it becomes the bottle, you put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend.”

Is Sarah Palin Really Anything More Than Kinda Sexy and Really Lucky?

From Wikipedia:

In response to people such as Republican strategist Karl Rove who have suggested that starring in the reality show Sarah Palin's Alaska may be incompatible with running for president in 2012, Palin pointed out that Ronald Reagan was an actor prior to becoming president. This led former Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan to write, "Excuse me, but this was ignorant even for Mrs. Palin. Reagan people quietly flipped their lids, but I'll voice their consternation to make a larger point." According to Noonan, who described Palin as a "nincompoop," "Here is an old tradition badly in need of return: You have to earn your way into politics." In a similar vein, former Reagan White House political director Ed Rollins invoked the line Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy in expressing his view that Palin is "no Reagan."

Appearance

A great deal of attention was paid to Palin's physical appearance during the 2008 elections. According to Vogue Magazine, "Besides being telegenic, [Palin] had a tough-girl Alaskan résumé that most politicians could only dream of—the protein her family eats comes from fish she has pulled out of the ocean with her own hands and caribou she has shot." Others were quick to point out striking resemblances of Palin to actress Tina Fey, who would impersonate her on Saturday Night Live, and Peggy Hill, a character on Fox Network's animated series King of the Hill. Regarding her appearance, Palin has said, "I've been taken aback by the nasty criticism about my appearance. I wish they'd stick with the issues instead of discussing my black go-go boots. A reporter once asked me about it during the campaign, and I assured him I was trying to be as frumpy as I could by wearing my hair on top of my head and these schoolmarm glasses."


Truth in Humor?

"Sarah Palin was asked a question by a third grader and she got it wrong. She apparently still does not know what the vice president does ... She says he or she runs the Senate. No, not in this country. You know I would never accuse George Bush of being a bright man, but when he was elected, at least he knew which building to show up to." --Bill Maher

"Are you excited about Sarah Palin? Well, yesterday she referred to Afghanistan as our neighboring country. Apparently, she can see bin Laden's cave from her house." --David Letterman


Sarah Palin In Her Own Words:

In July 2010, amidst the Cordoba House controversy, Palin wrote on her Twitter asking Muslims to "pls refudiate" support for the mosque. She was then mocked by bloggers and media outlets for using "refudiate", which is not a word. Palin later responded on Twitter, saying that "English is a living language." and "Shakespeare liked to coin new words too."

"As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?" --Sarah Palin, in an interview with CNBC's "Kudlow & Co."

"As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." --Sarah Palin, explaining why Alaska's proximity to Russia gives her foreign policy experience

"I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.'" --Sarah Palin, as quoted by former City Council Member Nick Carney, after he raised objections about the $50,000 she spent renovating the mayor's office without approval of the city council.

Whatever you may think about Ms. Palin she is undeniably a phenomenon....but a future President? Who's kidding who?

Top 10 ways to Cope with the Holidays.

1. Reduce expectations and find joy in the fact that the refrigerator light still works.

2. Have a good place to hide from the crazy relatives. Under the bed is an excellent choice. Carry a blanket so you can immediately cover your head so no one knows you are there.

3. Buy a hard hat for yourself. Wear it until January 3, especially if you expect to go moose hunting with Sarah Palin

4. Get a yule log and a wassail when you figure out what they are. Get me one too. Buy lots of Coke in the Coca-Cola Santa can. That always makes me happy.

5. Write a letter to Santa and tell on everyone who has been naughty. Revenge is sweet, and you can’t put a bow on that package.

6. Have plenty of aluminum foil and duct tape around. It will come in handy for something. Never use aluminum foil as a substitute for a dinner plate. Never use a dinner plate as a substitute for aluminum foil. Never duct tape a turkey.

7. Remember silence is golden, and duct tape is silver. Knowing when to apply gold or silver is important. Do not duct tape any family members under 18. Do not expect any gold.

8. Make frequent visits to best friends, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker.

9. Try to impress people by saying you knew two of the three original Wise Men.

10. Click your heels three times and say, "There is no place like somewhere else"

Top 50 Dumbest Conservative Statements

Whatever your political beliefs, we can all agree that people say the dumbest things. Below, you'll find some some stupid conservative quotes put together by Sasha Brown-Worsham. For equally stupid -- and funny -- gaffs made by their liberal counterparts, read 50 Dumb Liberal Quotes.)

When politicians and pundits mess up, flub their words, or make Freudian slips, they often do so in the most spectacularly hilarious ways.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle reminded us not to lose our minds. (That would be a truly terrible loss, after all.) And Sarah Palin volunteered that that she was keeping an eye on Putin -- and on all of Russia -- from her perch up there in Alaska (you betcha!).

Below, you'll find 50 more of the dumbest conservative quotes we've come across.

No matter what your politics, we hope you'll have a good laugh.

1. "When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal." ~ Richard M. Nixon
2. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." ~ President George W. Bush
3. "The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them." ~ Rush Limbaugh
4. ''My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don't know any better.'' ~ South Carolina Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, arguing against government food assistance for poor residents.
5. "The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews." ~ Jerry Falwell
6. ''Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.'' ~ Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-North Carolina)
7. ''We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets." ~ Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele.
8. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." ~ George W. Bush
9. ''Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.'' ~ Rush Limbaugh
10. "I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Chanukah." ~ President George W. Bush
11. "Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.'' ~ Rep. Michelle Bachmann
12. ''The greatest threat to America is not necessarily a recession or even another terrorist attack. The greatest threat to America is a liberal media bias.'' ~ Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX)
13. "He is purple - the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay pride symbol." ~ Jerry Falwell's warning to parents that "Tinky Winky," a character on Teletubbies, may be gay
14. "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ~ Dan Quayle
15. ''The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.'' ~ Pat Robertson
16. "Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn't it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate." ~ Sarah Palin
17. "'Refudiate,' 'misunderestimate,' 'wee-wee'd up.' English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!'" ~ Sarah Palin
18. "Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant -- they're quite clear -- that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments." ~ Sarah Palin
19. "What I don't know is what the unexpected might be." ~ John McCain
20. "We have a lot of work to do. It's a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border." ~ John McCain (the countries share no common border)
21. "I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix." ~ Dan Quayle
22. "If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president.'' ~ Ann Coulter
23. ''I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence.'' ~ Rep. Michele Bachmann
24. "We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say." ~ Ann Coulter
25. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." ~ George W. Bush
26. "Do you have blacks, too?" ~ George W. Bush
27. ''We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals.'' ~ Ann Coulter
28. "When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." ~ Glenn Beck
29. "I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." ~ George W. Bush
30. "Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries" ~ Ronald Reagan
31. ''I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.'' ~ Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia
32. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" ~ George W. Bush
33. "Exercise freaks ... are the ones putting stress on the health care system." ~ Rush Limbaugh
34. "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." ~ George W. Bush
35. "Good Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions." ~ Jerry Falwell
36. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." ~ George W. Bush
37. "I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan
38. "Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them." ~ Jerry Falwell
39. ''It may be a blessing in disguise. ... Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.'' ~ Pat Robertson
40. "AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals." ~Jerry Falwell
41. "Facts are stupid things." ~ Ronald Reagan
42. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ~ George W. Bush
43. "There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on --shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." ~ George W. Bush
44. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." ~ George W. Bush
45. "Trees cause more pollution than automobiles." ~ Ronald Reagan
46. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." ~ George W. Bush
47. "I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started." ~ Donald Rumsfeld
48. "She wears little eye-patch underwear. So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy!" ~ State Rep. Mike Duvall (R-Calif.) on a live mic referring to an affair with a lobbyist
49. "I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." ~ George W. Bush
50. "I think I was unprepared for war." ~ George W. Bush

What the hell was This all About?

Palabra Barroucho:

An intimate revelation was quivering on the horizon,
The arrow of the fly split thusly.
The earthworm sighed in eloquent malcontent.
Bee tears dampened silken flowers of yore.
The heart explodes in ionic turbulence
The cat purrs in Latin with undertones of Greek.
His throat rumbles with passion, gasping for air
The mouse scurries as the bee dives for fur.
The glass set empty on the windowsill, unnoticed and wistfully benign.
Feline wonder turns liquid anger as the bee drowns in the cosmic glass of woe.
The cat shit on the rug.
The mauve pigmented waste lies on shaggy fabric of time.
The milestone was tomorrow's intent as the moon bowed his head in silver
solemnity.
The cat, the bee and the mouse built a house of profundity,
adding sand, flowers and cheese.
More concrete foundations should have had lasting implications.
Cheese molded to blue, flowers wilted to stew and the sand was filled with shit.

Top 10 Reasons Not to Allow Healthcare Reform

With all the talk about healthcare reform, I decided to take the side of the Right Wing Lunatics who oppose healthcare reform. Why should we care about healthcare reform? Why should we care that people are dying to see a doctor? Why should we care about our fellow human beings who are less fortunate? What is really important is ME! ME! ME! ME! Hopefully, I will never be one of the those who is in dire need of it.

I came up with the Top 10 Reasons (and a bonus) to Deny Healthcare to All Americans

10.It's a form of population control.

9. To prove Darwin was right - Survival of the fittest.

8. We don't need no stinking reform. Some people aren't worth saving.

7. People will die anyway. No matter how much you do, we all end up dead in the end. Why shouldn't rich people be allowed more time? Why do poor think they deserve it?

6. Time is money. If you are wealthy enough, you can get the extra time. I think this might be the same as #7?

5. Plastic surgery will be unaffordable if all the money goes to necessary health care. How can I afford botox injections or my butt lift if I have to pay for some poor man's emergency surgery! We must have priorities.

4. Death is God's will. (I generally argue this point but this time I am the devil's advocate!) Or maybe Sara Palin's, or Newt's, or Steele's will. Will of Steele(nice ring, don't youthink?) I vote for him to be on the first Death Panel! No matter whose will, the point is, it is the will of someone important.

3. Not doing anything actually puts an end to it all! Apathy can cure anything.

2. Right Wing religious zealots rely on prayer. Shouldn't you?

1. Dead people don't need health care. We'll kill off a lot of them in the war, unemployment, and starvation anyway. That will quickly put an end to some of those pesky insurance risks.

0. We all die in 2012 anyway. What's the point?

I propose a cheap, nondiscriminatory method for healthcare. No one gets it until the poorest American is covered. With all the money saved in the mean time, we can afford it. Problem solved.

Birthers on Obama- - Hawaii is a foreign country and Jesus could not be president

How many have listened to all the news stories about whether or not Obama should be president due to his being born in the foreign land of Hawaii? It's generally accepted as true among the intellectuals in this country that Hawaii is not a foreign country. Some even remember when it was not a state, but it became the fiftieth state the same year as Alaska before Obama was born.

I take this as a great insult to the state of Hawaii. Aloha to my friends in Hawaii. I know you are one of us, but I am having trouble explaining to the birthers. To even believe Obama was born in Kenya is to believe that Hawaiians are in on a conspiracy to sneak someone in as president or are too stupid to record a birth. I think if either premise is true, all the people of Hawaii are really from Kenya or cannot fill out documents. These birthers believe that you people of Hawaii are either not citizens or are incapable of documenting whether their newborns are even born in their state.

Martin van Buren our eighth president was the first president to be born on official US soil, the first president to be born on undeniable "American soil" because he was born after the revolution when it became legally our country. We allowed seven presidents who were technically born on British soil to be president. If we had done otherwise, we would have to elect a baby as president that was born after July 4, 1776. Some of these disloyal British colonists staged a revolution and overthrew the government. They were called patriots, people who loved their country. But their country was Great Britain. The first seven and ninth presidents were born on what was considered British soil at the time. Alexander Hamilton who once ran for president, and whose picture appears on our currency was not born on American soil. He was born in the British West Indies at Saint Croix. Should we allow these foreigners on our currency? I really don't care.

I see a more serious problem here. It is blatant prejudice and discrimination against people born in other countries. Alexander Hamilton was born in the West Indies but he was nonetheless devoted to our country. Are people less of a patriot of the great United States due to the ground where they were born? Where an individual was born is an accident of birth. We have no control over our birthplace. Not yet born children cannot pick their place of birth nor parents for that matter. To hold birthplace against someone is ludicrous. Should we allow people born elsewhere to even become citizens if they are lesser beings? Obviously, we can deduce that anyone born on anything less than American soil is inferior. Jesus was born in a manger in Bethlehem, folks, did that make him a lesser being? He would not be allowed to be a president of our country but Timothy McVeigh could if we had not killed him for blowing up a courthouse in Oklahoma.? To imply that anyone not born in this land is and cannot be president is to assume that Americans are superior to the rest of the world. I personally would like to believe it since I am one, but we are not. One of the bases of our country is that all people are created equal. Do we really believe it? I hope so.


As for the pictures of all those old guys, not born on technically American soil at the time, I propose we replace these boring old dudes on our currency with some cute foreign guys like Craig Ferguson who has become a citizen. Sean Connery has a commanding presence and I wouldn't mind having him on the green paper in my purse. The new James Bond guy would sure make money more interesting. I would try to hang onto it longer. Talk about saving money, we could frame it.

I sincerely believe Hawaiians are Americans and are as capable as any state of documenting children born in their state of our country. I think the birthers are morons who cannot read a valid government document. Of course Obama is an American citizen and Hawaiian. Does anyone really believe there is a conspiracy to deceive the American people of his birthplace? If it were, does anyone really care? Besides we wanted change. I truly believe he was born in Hawaii and is a citizen. But birthplace is not the single factor that would qualify one to be president. Majority and electoral votes do. Generally, the majority of people and electoral votes believe he is qualified and is a citizen. We, the majority wish you guys would quit wasting money that might provide health care, disability benefits, food, or infrastructure for the economy. This is squandering time, money and energy. Stop it! Let the media report news and quit this weird speculation.

If Sara Palin were to run for president, would anyone question her citizenship? I would. I would like to see actual documentation that Alaska is a state. I have never seen that. Have any of you?Maybe the whole state sneaked in when no one was looking. IQ and a true devotion to the people of our great land should be requirements. You should be smarter than your average moose. We saw what happened when we elected someone who wasn't. The point is, let it rest. He is not going away and we won't stand for it. Quit your whining and concentrate on the real problems, two wars, health care, unemployment, homeless people, and leave the idiot questions out of the discussion.

Talk Soup

Topics include: Sarah Palin, Walter Cronkite, a Crazy renter, Healthcare reform, Professor Gates, traffic tickets, Autobahn pile up, Obama gaffe and apology, Rush Limbaugh, "Race card," and freon thief.

Click on Title to Listen.

Tornado Damage and Michael Jackson

Topics include: Tornado damage, insurance fraud, guns and small town America, Sarah Palin, Gaffney serial killer and Michael Jackson hooplah.

Click the Title or arrow on the player to the left to listen.