Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Top 10 Ways to Cope With the Holidays Without Committing a Felony

1. Reduce expectations and find joy in the fact that the refrigerator light bulb still works.

2. Have a good place to hide from the crazy relatives. Under the bed is an excellent choice. Carry a blanket with you at all times. You can immediately cover your head so no one knows you are there.

3. Splurge and buy a hard hat for yourself. Wear it until January 3, especially if you expect to survive putting up lights and  nasty fights over holiday deep discounts.

4. Get a yule log and a wassail when you figure out what they are. Get me one too. Buy lots of Coke in the Coca-Cola Santa can.  They are getting rid of the polar bear cans.  Another Classic failure. Coca Cola Santa always makes me happy.  Plus it goes well with rum!

5. Write a letter to Santa and tell on everyone who has been naughty. Revenge is sweet, and you can’t wrap and put a bow on that package.

6. Have plenty of aluminum foil and duct tape around. It will come in handy for something. Never use aluminum foil as a substitute for a dinner plate. Never use a dinner plate as a substitute for aluminum foil. Never duct tape a turkey.

7. Remember silence is golden, and duct tape is silver. Knowing when to apply gold or silver is important. Do not duct tape any family members under 18. Do not expect any gold.

8. Make frequent visits to best friends, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker.  This can never be underestimated.  Put more noggin in your eggnog.  Bacardi is inexpensive and could save you from murdering Aunt Betty or Uncle Fred.

9. Try to impress people by saying you knew two of the three original Wise Men.  If that seems a little too pretentious, announce that you know at least three of Santa's elves.

10. Click your heels three times and say, "There is no place like somewhere else."

Remember it is just  another Christmas with the family, and down deep, in a dark recess of you heart, you really love it.  Quit whining and get with spirit.  Merry Christmas.

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