THE REAL REASON WHY SARAH PALIN WILL NOT RUN FOR PRESIDENT

Heart breaking news was revealed when the Divine Miss P announced she will not be a presidential contender. I knew she could not win but I looked forward to her blunders. It's like finding out someone ate the ears off your Easter Bunny. I want the ears. I know she is ignorant, a bitch, a prima donna, and according to her biography, a bit of a skank. What's not to like? She's perfect.

According to some, the reason she is afraid the world, as well as her husband will find out that the father of her oldest son, (Trip or Fall or something like that) is not black NFL star, Glen Rice, but really the son of Charles Barkley. There is an ominous similarity in appearance. My friend Sean pointed it out. We believe Trap, Trigger, Troll (or whatever his name is)is the son of Todd. Just fun to pretend.

Actually Sarah is not running for president because she has some inside information from her spiritual adviser, Guru Gotaway, the guy she snorted cocaine with over an oil barrel. It seems that this time the world will end October 21, 2011. I mean, what is the point in campaigning? Duh!

Besides, if the world did not end and she became the new president, she is frightened of her own position on gun control. She found out she will not be the only one who has firearms readily available. Some stupid Constitution thing that those lame men from 1776 made up. Who knew? That stupid Constitution keeps getting in the way. If elected, she planned to sneak it out and burn it. If elected, she also planned on quitting the job as president and forcing NBC to hire her in Katie Couric's position in order to get the last laugh on Katie. NBC was flaunting the Constitution saying they had freedom of press. See why the Constitution has to go! That damned press keeps printing the truth about her.


The world got sadder with the loss of Palin as a contender. On a brighter note, Alaska gets her back. We got rid of her. The world is not as bad as we thought. We just might actually make through October 21, 2011. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. I think I see a moose.

The above is all a joke we believe. Sean, Buns, Barbs

There Is a Goddam Difference Between Honor and Honesty

Why are people so obsessed with the character trait honesty? I honestly know no one who is completely honest. I know lots of honorable people. I have no use for anyone who isn’t honorable. But honest, come on! We all lie out our asses.

The simple truth is dishonesty makes for good friends. I am betting none of you remember the kid who told the truth and sat by you in Sunday school, but you all remember who helped you pull off the great escapade of your life. Dishonesty bonds. There is nothing quite like getting into trouble and lying your way out.

Honesty vs. honor test

If I ask, “Does this look bad?”

You do not say, “It looks like hell.” which is the honest answer.

You say, “Perhaps you should go for a more modest look.”

Now that is some good lying. You are "a first class, good as they come" liar.

If I ask any question of a friend, he, she, or it should do the honorable thing. Be comforting, supportive, and kind. In other words, lie like “a sum beech”.

If you went around telling the truth you would never get anywhere. You see someone approaching. He says, “Hi, how ya doin’?” He is not being honest. He neither wants to know nor cares if menstrual cramps are bothering me. He does not want to hear that I am constipated due to a tendency to get anally retentive over people who are too honest.

He wants to hear, “Much better since I ran into you.” This is dishonest, but it is admirable and honorable thing to do. We all feel much better.

This is the kind of person I seek out for friendship. He does not need to know why I am sad. He needs to prepare to kick somebody’s ass for causing it. He does not need to know why I feel like dancing; he kicks off his shoes and joins in. He sees my smile: he smiles back. He sees my shoulders slump: I get a hug. He sees I did something wrong, he is prepared to lie to the end of the earth for me. A person of honor reacts to my exploits or achievements with enthusiasm and never shoots me off my cloud. That is honorable. The person who is honest would say, "You are not a kid anymore. Stop being childish. Act mature. Quit whining. Your waist is bigger than when you were 25. You have past the halfway mark of your life. We’re all going to die."

I would rather have a friend who lies for me about where I was and what I was doing, a friend who portrays me in a more favorable light than the always honest one. Even Abe couldn’t cut. I would pick Bill Clinton for a best bud over Abe Lincoln. I wonder if Honest Abe honestly criticized that young Boothe man’s acting.

Top Ten Reasons the World Should End on 12-21-2012

So much has happened in the last few months that it seems a general population loss might be beneficial for the planet. Humans, it seems, are not smart enough to share a planet the size of the world. We can feed the planet, but we don't. We should take care of out weakest fellow earthlings, but we won't. Tolerance is an absolute "can't". Living has become a privilege of the elite. Maybe the planet should just fold.

We have killed the Gulf of Mexico, Japan is radioactive, and revolution has become a way of life. A major earthquake hits way too often. Who can keep count? I am tired of all the disaster, revolution, war, and misery. It's flood and drought. Birds and sea-life are dying at an alarming rate. But on a brighter note, if the world ends there are ten top silver linings to this dark cloud.

10. Death cures everything. Including everyone's taxes and the tax argument. You wont have to pay any more taxes for year ending Dec 31, 2012. We finally get to beat the IRS. We also don't have to worry about returning overdue books and video rentals. It will all be taken care of.

9. It won't matter that your retirement account has been drained or that your house is not paid off. You will not need either for long. Don't worry about the new roof, the aging air conditioner or remodeling.

8. Winter of 2012 will be canceled. This is a big win. We will not be forced to endure one last, long, harsh winter. If we all have to die, I am glad it isn't summer.

7. Gluttony is good. No more calorie counting, weight watching, and exercising to maintain health. Fit and firm won't matter as the world explodes with it's last burst of energy. In fact , feel free to put on thirty pounds. Angels are lighter than air.

6. No worries about sending your children to colleges. The colleges will all melt. Besides, it isn't like the kids would be prepared for professions and employment later. Why isn't there a college course called standing in line 101 if we want them prepared for the future? Foraging for Food 500 would make an excellent graduate course for those 90% who did not find jobs.

5. Go ahead. Max out those credit cards. Indulge yourself. Die wearing a half million in diamonds. I don't think debt collectors will find us in the afterlife. We won't even have to pay back China.


4. Get a fast sports car on credit. Ferraris are especially nice, final choices. Also, you can run from disaster faster than the other guys. Survival of the fastest might decide who wins and who loses. Stack the odds in your favor with no worries about paying for it. The banks melt on 12-21-2012

3. Open all your Christmas presents early and enjoy them. Last minute shoppers will not have to worry about doing a darn thing. The shops will all be "closed".

2. Check for Hanukkah and try to work all the days in before 12-21-2012.

1. Charlie Sheen is the new messiah. Follow his advice. He will survive. His body is conditioned.

I used to think 12-21-2012 was a joke. No one would go anywhere and it would be a rather uneventful day. I am beginning to think the Doomsday folks are not as crazy as I thought. We now have hope of being free of all worries, finances, taxes, wars, revolutions and all but one big natural disaster. So cheer up and never let on to the authorities that we are beginning to look forward to 12-21-2012. They might cancel it.

Boehner Hotly Denies Tryst With Palin

AP, Reuters, Knight Ridder....
John Boehner denied accusations of having an affair with SP. Her baby bump he proclaimed was nothing more than his tie stuck in her skirt. He said, "I have never had sex with the women," and as an aside he whispered, "but I never count blow jobs, hand jobs or cigar penetration."

When Ms Palin was questioned she stated, "I have never seen the heart shaped mole on the lower side of his throbbing member."

Boehner looked lovingly into Palin's eyes and denied "I have never been caught undressing those luscious, succulent breasts at any point in my career."

Palin answered with a wink, holding her breasts. "These puppies belong in competent hands." Her eyes glanced down at his groin. It appeared Boehner had earned his name.

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