My First Colonoscopy or How to Keep A Healthy Colon

Like most middle aged women and men too, I finally heard the most dreaded words you can possibly hear if you are a normal healthy adult.  “You have to schedule your colonoscopy, or I cut off your supply of Xanax.”   

I had a mortal fear of this procedure.  Being a woman, we are accustomed to being probed, prodded, and poked, but no one ever shoved a camera up any orifice (excluding that time in 1989 that never happened).  Asses are off limits.  We just don’t like it.

Doctors will tell you, “It isn’t so bad. It saves lives and the drugs are good.” They will say anything to convince you to have it done.  Friends who have survived the ordeal say the night before preparations prior the procedure are the worst part.   Either way, I was going to avoid it as long as possible.  It was me against them.  This time they won. 

Well, my regular doctor made my appointment.   I sat pouting in  his office as I awaited  news on the the date and place of my unfortunate first time probing.   The office said they would schedule with Dr Brown, the best in the business. 

“Dr Brown?  A butt doctor?  Are you shitting me?  Why didn't he name himself Dr Anus.”  I giggled out the words. 

My doctor who has known me since I was as pure as driven over slush wryly answered, “I shit you not.”

Well that was the beginning of a monumental phase of my life.  It normally takes a month to see Dr Brown  (snicker), but they managed to get me in as a special favor to my doc in three days.  My doc explained that I would be sedated and unaware of the immodesty of the procedure.  He said they called in a prescription to flush out the system called MoviPrep and I should pick it up on the way home.

  

MoviPrep?  The comments kept coming from my mouth. “Do they make a movie with a camera shoved up my ass.  If I end up in some weird internet porn, I am suing.”

The doctor explained that it is called MoviPrep because you will make a move to the bathroom every 3 seconds the night before in preparation for the Master Prober.  Well, I picked up the prescription and the first thing that startled me was the cost.  I had to change underwear from hearing the sheer price.  With insurance, it was $60.  I understand $60 is not a lot to save a life, but damn, it’s a super laxative not some new cancer cure that targets cells and I had insurance.   Once I got the prescription I can say with experience and confidence, this prescription is the worst thing to hit the market since contaminated baby formula from China.  

I prepared the solution hours before so it would be cold which was supposed to make it easier to drink.  The day prior to the colonoscopy, you are not allowed to eat anything only clear liquids.  Then at 5:00 pm,  the real fun starts.  I removed the liquid from the refrigerator which comes in what appears to be 5 gallon containers.  I grabbed a straw to start drinking.  The first container has to be polished off within an hour.  I took my first taste.  This horrible laxative is a combination of Mr Clean combined with water from the Dead Sea.  It smelled and tasted just like mop water.  It was that bad. No, it was worse.   I would say it tastes like shit, but having never eaten it, it is an unfair comparison.  After the first gallon or so, I was gagging and could not drink, but I had to finish it in one hour.  I was running behind.   Finally I guzzled and fantasized that this is a form of torture, and if I survive, I win the lottery.  Finally I downed the first container with the thought that 500 million was my prize for this.   So far no diarrhea.  I was holding it in.  I would not cooperate with this drug.  I am queen of my domain, no one makes my ass move.  Then, my tummy began to rumble and make sounds like thirty cats being run through the spin cycle on the washer.  That was the few minutes before the shit hit the fan.

I felt the urge to go but this was more like an incident of my water breaking than diarrhea.  I went to the bathroom and whoosh.  I was through.  I was free to drink any clear liquid I wanted as long as it was not red, blue, or purple which means the only fluids available are bleach and ammonia.  The bleach and ammonia helped cleanse my palette of the awful taste of Mr Cleans Dead Sea Juice or more commonly called MoviPrep or even more commonly called mop water. 

I drank 7-up and ginger ale to clear out the bleach and ammonia that I used as a chaser for the MoviPrep.  My drinking was interrupted every 10 seconds by the 20 yard dash to the bathroom.  Then before I knew it, it was time for container two.  The container had grown in size since I put it in the refrigerator.  Now it was the size of a party keg and I had one hour to drink it.  I felt Like Scotty, “It cannot be done, Captain.”  

I began to drink from Tanker #2.  I swear my water broke 20 times that night, although I was assured by my doctor that I was not pregnant and had not been in 17 years.  He laughed his ass off to my chronic complaints and said I held the world’s record for being able to talk on the phone while on MoviPrep.  We divas must prioritize.  Complaints to the doctor that forced you to have this procedure trump rocket powered bowel movements.

After going to the bathroom 196 times, it was time for bed so I could be up and ready to go at 5:00 am.   Oddly enough, I slept through the night.  The next morning as soon as the alarm sounded so did the call to nature.  I Movi-Prepped quickly to the bathroom.  Whoosh.  Then off to the shower to make sure I was as  clean externally as I was internally.  Now I was ready for “my procedure”.

I arrived at the office a bit leery and disturbed by the upcoming event.  The nurses were women of great humor and said I would meet the doctor shortly.   I asked if it was appropriate to make fun of his name being Dr Brown when he is a colon/rectal specialist or more commonly called an ass doctor.  They laughed and said he loved it, but I would have to speak up as he is a little hard of hearing.  On cue, he walked in and introduced himself and was the best looking doctor I have ever seen. No kidding.  He had movie star quality good looks.

Undeterred by his physical appearance and the fact that I am a middle-aged woman having her first colonoscopy, I lit into him. I shouted, “So you are Dr Brown.  Did you make that up or is it your real name, Master Prober?”

He said, “I see you have been talking to my staff.  Remind me to fire them all.”

He was a man of practical wit and very much aware that none of us looked forward to his specialty. I immediately liked him.

Then the anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself.  He did not have a remarkable name so I just called him Dr Gas.  The nurses had already prepared the IV site and I was ready for him.  He was my only escape from this situation.  He had the drugs.  He announced he was going to inject, and it would hurt for a few seconds.  I told him he was my only friend in the operating room and to keep his eyes open on the others while I was sedated.   My conversation was interrupted by the profound ache at the IV site that made my entire arm feel like it had been hit by a sledge hammer 30 seconds before.  I said I could taste the drugs when I breathed.  I felt like I was breathing out drug vapors and any second, the whole crew would keel over.  He comforted me by telling me this was all normal.

Then,  I was gone.  I remember nothing.  I woke up in recovery with a nurse telling me I was through and could go home in just a few minutes.  It was only 20 minutes later.  There was a large clock on the recovery wall as well as the OR.  The doctor came in beaming.  I asked if it was a boy or a girl. 

He laughed and proclaimed, “You didn't get a baby, but you have a beautiful colon.”

You probably won’t believe this but no handsome young professional has ever said that to me and I suddenly felt a sense of pride in this compliment.  

On a more serious side, get the colonoscopy.   The Movi-Prep tastes like mop water smells, but you have to drink it.  You don’t actually get diarrhea but a flushing of the colon.  It is not as bad as I like to make it sound.  Dr Brown and staff were perfect for my first time.  They were a delight.   It is a life preserving procedure.  Do it.  It only takes twenty minutes and you get color photographs of your colon.  Although my colon is beautiful, modesty prevents me from posting.  Use your imagination.

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THE REAL REASON WHY SARAH PALIN WILL NOT RUN FOR PRESIDENT

Heart breaking news was revealed when the Divine Miss P announced she will not be a presidential contender. I knew she could not win but I looked forward to her blunders. It's like finding out someone ate the ears off your Easter Bunny. I want the ears. I know she is ignorant, a bitch, a prima donna, and according to her biography, a bit of a skank. What's not to like? She's perfect.

According to some, the reason she is afraid the world, as well as her husband will find out that the father of her oldest son, (Trip or Fall or something like that) is not black NFL star, Glen Rice, but really the son of Charles Barkley. There is an ominous similarity in appearance. My friend Sean pointed it out. We believe Trap, Trigger, Troll (or whatever his name is)is the son of Todd. Just fun to pretend.

Actually Sarah is not running for president because she has some inside information from her spiritual adviser, Guru Gotaway, the guy she snorted cocaine with over an oil barrel. It seems that this time the world will end October 21, 2011. I mean, what is the point in campaigning? Duh!

Besides, if the world did not end and she became the new president, she is frightened of her own position on gun control. She found out she will not be the only one who has firearms readily available. Some stupid Constitution thing that those lame men from 1776 made up. Who knew? That stupid Constitution keeps getting in the way. If elected, she planned to sneak it out and burn it. If elected, she also planned on quitting the job as president and forcing NBC to hire her in Katie Couric's position in order to get the last laugh on Katie. NBC was flaunting the Constitution saying they had freedom of press. See why the Constitution has to go! That damned press keeps printing the truth about her.


The world got sadder with the loss of Palin as a contender. On a brighter note, Alaska gets her back. We got rid of her. The world is not as bad as we thought. We just might actually make through October 21, 2011. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. I think I see a moose.

The above is all a joke we believe. Sean, Buns, Barbs

How To Get Out of Hell Free

What is a Get out of Hell Free Card? Aren't we all looking for this? Haven't we all have done something we feel sure will land us a hot seat in hell, something where we violated a trust or confidence that contaminated our soul? We walk the world somberly awaiting our fate. What can be done about it? Do we get a second chance? The answer is "Hell yes, we do".

In Monopoly, there is a Get out of Jail Free Card. It may be used at the player's discretion when he/she gets in a bind. No punishment, just instant freedom, like salvation served from a microwave. A Get Out of Hell Free is a card given for doing an outstanding, righteous, good deed. Saving a life worthy of saving, committing to the sick, making a difference to someone that will be eternal are all worthy of the Card. Keeping a promise made to someone in the afterlife is deserving of a Get Out of Hell Free Card. It will get you out of Hell free. It is a one time deal!

The card may be used at the point of entry to Hell. When presented to the gate keeper, do not pass go. You are directly whisked to Heaven to have your credentials reviewed. If it is determined your card is valid and given for a selfless act, you will be given a seat in Heaven. Collect as many as possible in case the first one turns out to be invalid.

To find out more about the amazing cards and to be considered, please send your comment to this location and a description of your deed to determine if you should get out of Hell free. Liars who feign righteousness will certainly go to Hell. In other words, Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin do not qualify. If someone applies and receives this valuable card for nefarious reasons, a seat over the roasting pit is your eternal reward. If you end up there, say "Hah!" to Dick Cheney.

Once these cards are distributed please keep in a safe location. They are not transferable. There is no interest and it is good for eternity. You may use yours to argue a case for someone less noble which could cause you to receive another card. Here, no good deed goes unrewarded.

Giant Crack in Africa Will Create a New Ocean -See Giant Crack That Did It

Y'all ain't gonna believe this $h!t! It is for real. A giant crack in Africa will create a new ocean. "A 35-mile rift in Ethiopia will likely become a new ocean eventually, researchers now confirm." This is an exact quote and note the use of the word "confirm". That means it's true!

I think we see the crack responsible! Who knew you could do that? I have seen bigger bums that that, but they were covered. For that I am quite thankful. It lends new meaning to "Thanksgiving". None of these larger "cracks" ceated oceans. Would't the bladder be responsible for that?

This is some weird activity going on here. This crack is 20 feet at the widest location. (I knew it was big but it didn't look that big.) Since it's first appearance in 2005 (call me crazy but I think it goes back farther than that), "some geologists believed then that it would spawn a new ocean." The rift has not been intensely studied (something else to be thankful for). You would think a giant crack like that could spawn some terrible things, but an ocean was not one of the choices I had in mind.

A new study among an international team of scientist, indicates a sea is in the future for this area. It is nearly the same as what goes on at the bottom of the ocean. The same rift activity is slowly parting the Red Sea. Holy Moses, we have got to stop this.

This is pretty graphic right here so don't let the kids read this. I will use exact quotes once again with selective parts left out to make it more amusing. "The rift tore open along its entire 35-mile length in just days. Then magma pushed up through the middle of the rift area and began "unzipping" the rift in both directions, the researchers explained in a statement today." Please don't let there be any more unzipping. How do we zip that thing back up?

"Such sudden large-scale events on land pose a much more serious hazard to populations living near the rift than would several smaller events" No kidding. With a crack like that, you folks better run for your life.

"The whole point of this study is to learn whether what is happening in Ethiopia is like what is happening at the bottom of the ocean where it's almost impossible for us to go," "We knew that if we could establish that, then Ethiopia would essentially be a unique and superb ocean-ridge laboratory for us. Because of the unprecedented cross-border association behind this research, we now know that the answer is yes, it is analogous." Do not snicker about the "bottom of the ocean and "anal"agous or "ass"ociation behind the research. I think this is a cryptic message.

We need to do the right thing and rid the world of this Ethipioian crack.

Do You Know Jack $h!t?

Well, do you? I think I went to school with him, but I don't remember him too well. He was a smart ass.

With a streak of silver comes a streak of insanity. The older you get, the loonier you become, and there may be good reason for that. I discovered some really important stupid human facts that you probably did not know. First a sprig of gray hair, here and there that you barely notice. Then a line around your eyes and mouth from laughing that no else sees. Then insomnia.

It's not that I mind not sleeping; it is that I mind being awake. With age comes insomnia. We all have heard of "sleeping like a baby", but who ever heard of "sleeping like an old person"? The reason is the older you get, the less you sleep. Research indicates that insomniacs may move as many as seventy times. I am an insomniac, but I never moved anywhere near that much. I think somebody got insomniacs and gypsies confused. If it is true, I can explain part of it. You can't sleep in a strange place. If you move seventy times, every place is a strange place

Here is another thing you may notice. You cannot remember Jack $h!t and wonder where you heard his name. How many times have you walked into a room to do something and stared around blankly looking for any clue as to what your intentions were? You decide to quit looking because whatever it was has escaped you. You go back to what you were doing because it must not have been important. You go to the refrigerator and forget what you came for so you get something to drink. You drive along and suddenly forget where you are going and think you have missed the turn to some place. You go to the store to buy macaroni and forget exactly why you came so you buy cheese.

Aging and forgetfulness go together like Geritol and Sominex. I learned some important fact about aging and the human body that could help us all with this dreadful condition.

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh an average of 17 times a day. Laughing keeps us healthy. One more important thing we forgot to do today! Maybe we should all get a tattoo on the top of our hand to remind us to laugh more often.

In a lifetime the average US resident eats more than 50 tons of food and drinks more than 13,000 gallons of liquid. No way! That would be close to a ton a year, close to 6 lbs a day. I don't think so. Not me. Rush Limbaugh got the entire allotment for LA for the next 76 years.

The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food. Yeah, that 50 tons of food that you ate nothing to do with that!

The sound of a snore (up to 69 decibels) can be almost as loud as the noise of a pneumatic drill. No wonder old people are deaf after 80 years of snoring when they do sleep.

Humans shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days - almost 1,000 new skins in a lifetime. We are the snakes of the mammal kingdom.

A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day. No wonder old people don't have much hair. Multiply that times the number days you lived, and that is a really big number and a lot of hair.

Three-hundred-million cells die in the human body every minute. Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour - about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average person will have lost 105 pounds of skin. No wonder old people keep getting smaller and smaller.

Consider this as well the next time you see a much smaller old person:

By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds. If that is true, why is Rush so fat? Oral fixation? The big cigars verify that.

Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies. Call the police, someone is stealing their little baby bones. By age 80, we'll be lucky to have a bone left.

By the time you turn 70, your heart will have beat some two-and-a-half billion times (figuring on an average of 70 beats per minute.) I want a dollar for every time.

If it were removed from the body, the small intestine would stretch to a length of 22feet. Well, Genius, put that back! That's a pretty lame experiment, if you ask me, to remove an intestine to see how long it was. It's like chopping down a giant Redwood to count the rings. I think the human brain has to be shrinking. Lets open the head and see how small the brain is.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. I have nothing to say about this, but I don't think they need to wear a helmet for anything.

The human brain is about 85% water. Small wonder with that 13,000 gallons of water you drank!

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. I knew it was true for everyone else.

The largest human organ is the skin, with a surface area of about 25 square feet. I'll bet you guys were surprised to learn that skin is the largest organ. Skin really is an organ. But 25 square feet? I swear I do not have 25 square feet of skin. I am beginning to doubt the validity of my own research.

Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people. Does that logically mean the more hair you have, the more fun? People used to say bald guys were more virile. It was mostly bald guys who said that. I have no idea whether that one is true or not.

According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches. Guys, we are not asking for verification of this fact. We do not need to. We'll ask the girls who have more fun. We will also ask them about the bald guys, too.

Now, back to the subject of Jack $h!t. "I worked with Jack $h!t, I knew Jack $h!t, Jack $h!t was a friend of mine. You are no Jack $h!t." I told you I knew him.

An Ordinary Life

Life had become ordinary. Extraordinary people should never lead ordinary lives.

Crazy Glue and Viagra

" I was gluing a wreath with some Crazy Glue, when the phone rang. When I tried to put the phone down, it was glued in my hands. I couldn’t get rid of it” She laughed again. “I had to put a knife between my hand and the glue on the phone and cut and pry it away with my free hand. A light bulb went on. I had a wonderful idea. What if I could get it on Bill’s privates and his sweetie. I had to be clever.” She sighed. "I went to the Viagra website and printed the Viagra logo as a header on some paper and made it look like official stationery. I bought another tube of Crazy Glue and removed the label. I printed a label that said ‘ Viagra drops’ on it. Then I typed up a letter to “Dear Viagra User” stating that this was a pleasure enhancing compound that would be used in conjunction with Viagra. It was available to people with a prescription for Viagra only. Next year it would be marketed and I even included an enhancement rating sheet. Instructions were to apply three drops directly to the genitals. I stated it was Cherry flavored for even more intimate pleasure.”

In Dreams

Barbara, I dreamed you were hilarious
last night. Line after line
I remember thinking
I’ve got to write this down.
And I did.
Now I’m awake.
I can’t find dream paper.

Sleep

"How did you sleep?" he asked. She paused as if in deep thought. "Very well, in fact. We're pitiful you know, talking about sleep. It's bad enough we spend a third of our life doing it, and then another third talking about it."

From GO AHEAD, IT'S ONLY A DREAM

“We won.” Not Obama. “We won!” Sara never knew the struggle through the eyes of a black woman. She felt it but the battle was against someone else. She wept. It was a baptism. Their souls were washed clean with the millions of tears of a million lost causes mixed with the joy of all things possible seeming to be in reach.