I hate fall. This time of year brings out the worst in me. I am a spring/summer person. Fall is the beginning of the end, and winter is the end. When someone says, “I love the crisp air”, I really want to hit them. Potato chips are crisp, not air. That crisp air forces people inside and contributes to the spread of viral influenza, pneumonia and colds. So, go #&^% your stupid, crisp air!
When someone says, “It’s the fall color”, I reply, “Have you checked out the 4th of July?” Now, there is some color, bright shiny color. The worst day of summer has more natural color than the best day of winter.
Some people love Halloween, the first stupid, creepy fall holiday. Not Me. I love Memorial Day. In summer, the world is slow and easy. Everything seems richer and more sensuous. In the autumn, we take the tumble right before we hit rock bottom. Why do you thing they call it “fall”? When God said “Let there be light”, he had the 4th of July in mind not New Year’s Eve. That’s why summer has more light. Winter is dark and cold. It isn't God's fault!
I do not like to shiver. I do not like seeing myself breathe. I do not like the discomfort of being cold. Coats and toboggans are the devil’s work. Winter is pure evil. The world is predicted to end on Dec 21, 2012. I mention it because it is the first day of winter, the shortest day of light in the year. See! …. I know!
At least we won’t have to endure the worst part of winter next year.
Summer is a religious experience. Jesus, Moses, and God were summer people. I don’t recall any mention of snow and ice in any religion. It might be there, I just don’t recall. I am betting none of those holy guys had a sled, snow shoes, or even snow cream. Eden was summer. Endless summer is the perfect world. Adam and Eve could not be running around naked or covered with fig leaves in winter. They had apple trees and snakes. You don’t have that stuff in winter. Capiche!
Since summer is holy, there are some rules by which we all must abide. I tried to prioritize.
The Ten Commandments of Summer
1. Thou shalt not shiver!
2. Thou shalt not wear fall clothing
3. Thou shalt remember Memorial Day and keep it holy.
4. Thou shalt barbecue!
5. Thou shalt swim like a fish, and sun like a lizard!
6. Thou shalt not sneeze, cough nor secrete mucous.
7. Thou shalt have swimsuits and good bodies to go in them.
8. Thou shalt celebrate summer.
9. Thou shalt not steal thy neighbor’s beer nor ice.
10. Thou shalt have pizza on Fridays.
11. Thou shalt not be forced to bear a chilly wind.
12. Thou shalt not see thine own breath. (You get bonus commandments for summer because this is real religion)
Moses parted seas. He wouldn't have done that in cold weather. Jesus walked on water. I am going to bet the water wasn’t frozen. Anyone could walk on ice. I do wonder if his feet got wet.
The above photo is the only known photo of a Biblical figure taken with a Nikon 7000 circa 500BC.