Sunday, October 19, 2014

I Just Caught Ebola. No I just WON $100 Million. Same Odds

People are in a panic over Ebola. Folks, you ain't gonna get it. More people have won the lottery than have contracted EBOLA in this country. More people died of encephalitis is Dallas than have contracted Ebola. We might all have it.  We don't.   No major population in this country will be killed off.  To calm fears, we came up with some joking symptoms.

You might have Ebola if: 1) You are Presbyterian
2) You flew on a plane in the last twenty years
3) If both 1 and 2 are true, you have it.
4) You left home at least once in your life.
5) Someone in your family left home once in their life.
6) You have a fever or ever knew someone who had a fever
7) If you ate food from anywhere.
8) You know someone in Dallas or even said the word Dallas.
9) You said the word Africa.
10) You give in to this stupid panic.

This panic is costing the system dearly.  Someone threw up at the Pentagon.  Evacuation time.  An Oregon teacher was within 10 miles of Presbyterian Hospital.  She has to stay home for 3 weeks.   Planes are being evacuated because someone has a fever.   This is nuts.  In a large group of people, someone always has a fever, an upset tummy, or does not feel well.  Emergency rooms cannot attend children looking like astronauts.  Presbyterian is a fine hospital who have saved probably a million lives through the years.  One slip up in a disease no one in this country was prepared for does not make them incompetent.  I would not hesitate to go to the ER right now if I needed it.

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Holiday Menu: Tofucken and Yoohoo Wine

Some people’s eating habits get on my nerves. I don’t know why people eat artificially engineered crap that is a substitute for some real food. Fake sugar is the biggest joke ever played. What is the deal with that shit? If you eat so much sugar that you need to substitute fake sugar that is calorie-free, lay off the fucking sugar. If you eat so much that it makes you fat, using artificial sugar ain’t gonna make you thin. Closing the mouth will. If you use sugar free substitutes due to cavities and tooth decay, again, stop with the sugar! I recently read an article that indicated artificial sweetener made people gain weight. If you are a diabetic maybe it is okay. I know their sugar level has to be carefully monitored but use the real stuff and avoid the real stuff as required.

Then there is milk. There are many substitutes for whole milk. Why do people use skim milk for anything? It tastes like crap and is not fit to drink. It’s okay for cooking but with real eggs and butter, skim milk makes no sense at all. Then you got your soy milk for lactose intolerance. I have given this considerable thought. How do you milk a soy?

Then there is gluten free bread. Why? If you have a problem with bread, avoid it. Altered food is not good for you either. And canned biscuits? Who thought of putting biscuits in a can? Isn’t that sort of like potted meat? What does potted mean? Plants are potted. What kind of meat is it? Potteds are not rare animals, apparently, but I believe it is something with hooves. And Spam is what exactly? No one knows. It is top secret confidential information that I am going to reveal. It is meat flavored crap.
Then you’ve got instant mashed potatoes. What is so hard about boiling potatoes? It’s all you have to do and add a little salt, milk and butter. Then squish it all together!

Aerosol cheese in a can is the height of stupidity. Europeans make fun of us for this. Are we so impatient that we cannot wait for the cheese to warm up to spread? Some cheese is not meant to spread. It is to be eaten in chunks. Besides, it embarrasses me to say the words Cheese Whiz.

And white chocolate? That is a total fraud! There is no chocolate in there. It’s like milk chocolate only without the chocolate. They could have called it “milk”, but that name was already taken. So, it had no name at all. Then some idiot goof they put in charge of naming things called it “white chocolate”.

Now, we also have water enhancer. What the hell is that? I am giving it to my fish and putting it in my pool and commode. Only the finest, enhanced water is good enough for my fish and plumbing. I mean, seriously folks, what was so wrong with water that we had to enhance it?

Then they have the near beer. It tastes like beer but it has no alcohol. Why drink fake beer? Get some beer flavored water enhancer and add water.

You know what else they have invented? Chocolate red wine! Why? Do you have to combine flavors on everything? Who thinks of these things and why? It’s the Yoohoo of wines. Now that is a title.
Not only do they have fake sugar, they have fake salt, and fake creamer. I hear margarine is a molecule away from plastic. That’s a little too close for me. Butter is fine as is. Milk is fine. Sugar is fine. Potatoes are fine. Bread is fine. All that fake shit is enough to make you sick. Don’t eat it. If you don’t know what it is and where it came from, for God’s sake, don’t ingest it.

Then with the holiday coming, there is tofu turkey. Why make some crap up that is like a turkey but isn’t? Imitating meat is a lousy idea. Why not make one of play-doh? It says on the container it is non-toxic and the kids will have fun preparing the whole meal. The turducken makes more sense. For those of you who do not know, a turducken is a chicken stuffed inside a duck inside a turkey. For our holiday, because we are a family who appreciates following through with lunatic ideas, we are having tofucken and some of that Yoohoo wine!


Tuesday, November 26, 2013

The Thanksgiving Nightmare - Handling a Naked Turkey

Thanksgiving is now officially one of my favorite holidays. I tried for years to enjoy it, but that damned turkey ruined it every year. Don’t get me wrong, the turkey tasted just fine. I just could not stand the idea of reaching inside that bird and removing “giblets”, whatever the hell that is and who thinks of these words. “Giblets” sounded like a less fortunate member of the family. It was sickening.

One year, I had friends over for Thanksgiving and they saw the rubber gloves still out. Oops. I had to explain why I hated cooking turkey. I said I felt like I was violating a dead animal by reaching in there and removing parts. I explained I was no turkey gynecologist, but I always used rubber gloves for the examination. I hated touching that dead bird with no feathers or head. It is true. I do use rubber gloves. That bird spread out looked obscene. I think they thought I was strange.

It was always something wrong with cooking the turkey too! No matter how many packets were inside, I always left one in there. If there were three, I removed two thinking I had them all. Who thought of the dumb game “ Hide Little Bags of Weird Turkey Parts That I Have to Throw Out” inside the turkey? What kind of mind does that? Couldn’t they just put it in one big baggy for those people who use giblets and necks and those other packets of unknowns? Saving out turkey parts sounds like a perverse goal.

It was always a great phone conversation I had with my mother across the country every Thanksgiving?
Me: “How many of those little bags are in a turkey?”
Mom: “47”
Me: “Oh no!”
Mom: “Why? How many did you remove?”
Me: “Only 36. Now I have to get that damned turkey out of the oven, let it cool down and look for the other 11 packets.”
Mom: (Laughing) “I love Thanksgiving. I wish you were here to let me cook the turkey. I love you, dear.” Me: “I love you, too, but why do they keep on adding extra plastic bags of weird parts every year and shoving them up the turkey’s ass?”
Mom: “Watch the mouth, but your turkey will be just fine. You cannot ruin a turkey.”

I miss that insane conversation that I had every year with my mom about the turkey. She was right. You cannot ruin a turkey, but my meal was always haunted by that troubling encounter prior to cooking. I hated touching that poor old, big fat, ugly bird with no feathers or head. I sure as hell never stuffed that poor pitiful yucky thing. I am sure that it violates some law of nature and religion. If it doesn't, this is a sick word we live in.
Finally, I discovered the joy of smoked turkey. Someone else does all the dirty work. I am no longer a turkey gynecologist, playing "Find the Giblets" and feeling shame and embarrassment because I was unsuccessful. Now, I can enjoy a beautifully prepared turkey without any unpleasant memories of feeling around inside a dead bird. No more finding cooked plastic packets of obscure and prior to this time unknown turkey parts when it was carved. (That became an embarrassing annual event with my husband prodding it with a knife and dragging it out at the dinner table.) The thing is that it was never the bird. It was about being with screwy relatives and having fun. That was always the real treat. Be thankful. Happy Thanksgiving Y'all.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

The Last of the Red Hot Sexters

I don’t know why I never thought of it before.  Someone should have.  Am I the last living practical joker in the country?

My friend and I were discussing ways to hide identities in our contact lists on our cell phones so no one would ever actually know the names associated with the numbers.  There is the possibility of losing our cell phones and we could  simply try to keep it private when someone calls.  We thought of assigning names like Bud or BFF for our contacts so that if anyone accidentally picked up our phone, our lists could not possibly be decoded.   If the cell phone is accessed, there is much information to be gathered like where home is, who “mom” is, our email connections, Facebook acquaintances and log ons etc.   Then we got to wondering out loud like we always do.  What if we changed our names to someone very cool?  What if I changed my husband’s name to Brad Pitt?   It would be great to get calls from Brad Pitt regularly and call him whenever I liked.  What if I changed “home” to Madison Square Gardens or the White House?  What if she changed her work number to Ford Modeling Agency?  What if we changed our names on each other’s phones to something clever like Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz?  Then we decided to use only living character because the alternative was a dead giveaway (pun intended).  

Now, in my list of contacts, instead of Bart, I have Steven Spielberg.  In the place of home, I have CBS Studios – Craig Ferguson.  Instead of Linda, I have Margaret Thatcher.  Instead of a son, I have Agent 007. Instead of a boyfriend, she has George Clooney.  Her sister in law is the Duchess of Cambridge.  Betty White is now my aunt.   One of my closest friends with an ordinary name is now Lindsay Lohan.  She should thank me.  I shaved 30 years off her age.  My old boss is now “Q”.  We made a list of characters and went about changing names and tried to be methodical so that Gary on each of our phones was  now Sam Sheppard. My friend Ellen acquired a new last name, Ellen Degeneris. My friend, Mike became Miley Cyrus.   He got an income increase, a sex change, and lost 30 years all by simply changing his name.   Sean is now Sean Connery.  On the bright side, he got a boost in income, character, but added almost 30 years.   Tradeoffs had to be made. 
My friend, now known as Gloria Estefan, listed the most important person in her life which is her son as “God”.  Now she gets calls from God.   She has the audacity to let it ring several times before she answers.  I think a call from God should be answered on the first ring, but that is just me.

We were quite impressed with our all-star list of contacts.  As my own little joke to myself, I changed my doctor’s name to Dr. Kevorkian.   The school is now Folsom Prison.   My husband’s work place is NASA Control Center.  We had a lark changing and updating names as we polished off a bottle of rum, even adding Cap’n Morgan in there as a name for a mutual friend.   We spent hours thinking of cool names as we encoded our directories.   Yes, we do have time to waste on nonsense like this.

The inevitable happened.  Dan Rather is calling, and I don’t know who the hell it is, but I put Hillary Clinton on hold to take it.  Michelle Obama texted asking if we were still on for lunch.    We might be if I could remember who she is.  I missed a call from the Duchess of Cambridge and have a message from Mr. Spock.   Adam Ant leaves texts for me to call him at home.   I would if I knew who it was.  Bart Simpson is calling and I think it is the real one.  He leaves texts saying "I will not cut corners" with a million ditto marks underneath it. 

I don’t know who is calling anymore as I forgot who they were originally.  But if I need a little ego boost, all I have to do is look at my call list.  Bill Clinton called twice yesterday, and Johnny Depp sexted me.

Monday, June 17, 2013

My First Colonoscopy or How to Keep A Healthy Colon

Like most middle aged women and men too, I finally heard the most dreaded words you can possibly hear if you are a normal healthy adult.  “You have to schedule your colonoscopy, or I cut off your supply of Xanax.”   

I had a mortal fear of this procedure.  Being a woman, we are accustomed to being probed, prodded, and poked, but no one ever shoved a camera up any orifice (excluding that time in 1989 that never happened).  Asses are off limits.  We just don’t like it.

Doctors will tell you, “It isn’t so bad. It saves lives and the drugs are good.” They will say anything to convince you to have it done.  Friends who have survived the ordeal say the night before preparations prior the procedure are the worst part.   Either way, I was going to avoid it as long as possible.  It was me against them.  This time they won. 

Well, my regular doctor made my appointment.   I sat pouting in  his office as I awaited  news on the the date and place of my unfortunate first time probing.   The office said they would schedule with Dr Brown, the best in the business. 

“Dr Brown?  A butt doctor?  Are you shitting me?  Why didn't he name himself Dr Anus.”  I giggled out the words. 

My doctor who has known me since I was as pure as driven over slush wryly answered, “I shit you not.”

Well that was the beginning of a monumental phase of my life.  It normally takes a month to see Dr Brown  (snicker), but they managed to get me in as a special favor to my doc in three days.  My doc explained that I would be sedated and unaware of the immodesty of the procedure.  He said they called in a prescription to flush out the system called MoviPrep and I should pick it up on the way home.

MoviPrep?  The comments kept coming from my mouth. “Do they make a movie with a camera shoved up my ass.  If I end up in some weird internet porn, I am suing.”

The doctor explained that it is called MoviPrep because you will make a move to the bathroom every 3 seconds the night before in preparation for the Master Prober.  Well, I picked up the prescription and the first thing that startled me was the cost.  I had to change underwear from hearing the sheer price.  With insurance, it was $60.  I understand $60 is not a lot to save a life, but damn, it’s a super laxative not some new cancer cure that targets cells and I had insurance.   Once I got the prescription I can say with experience and confidence, this prescription is the worst thing to hit the market since contaminated baby formula from China.  

I prepared the solution hours before so it would be cold which was supposed to make it easier to drink.  The day prior to the colonoscopy, you are not allowed to eat anything only clear liquids.  Then at 5:00 pm,  the real fun starts.  I removed the liquid from the refrigerator which comes in what appears to be 5 gallon containers.  I grabbed a straw to start drinking.  The first container has to be polished off within an hour.  I took my first taste.  This horrible laxative is a combination of Mr Clean combined with water from the Dead Sea.  It smelled and tasted just like mop water.  It was that bad. No, it was worse.   I would say it tastes like shit, but having never eaten it, it is an unfair comparison.  After the first gallon or so, I was gagging and could not drink, but I had to finish it in one hour.  I was running behind.   Finally I guzzled and fantasized that this is a form of torture, and if I survive, I win the lottery.  Finally I downed the first container with the thought that 500 million was my prize for this.   So far no diarrhea.  I was holding it in.  I would not cooperate with this drug.  I am queen of my domain, no one makes my ass move.  Then, my tummy began to rumble and make sounds like thirty cats being run through the spin cycle on the washer.  That was the few minutes before the shit hit the fan.

I felt the urge to go but this was more like an incident of my water breaking than diarrhea.  I went to the bathroom and whoosh.  I was through.  I was free to drink any clear liquid I wanted as long as it was not red, blue, or purple which means the only fluids available are bleach and ammonia.  The bleach and ammonia helped cleanse my palette of the awful taste of Mr Cleans Dead Sea Juice or more commonly called MoviPrep or even more commonly called mop water. 

I drank 7-up and ginger ale to clear out the bleach and ammonia that I used as a chaser for the MoviPrep.  My drinking was interrupted every 10 seconds by the 20 yard dash to the bathroom.  Then before I knew it, it was time for container two.  The container had grown in size since I put it in the refrigerator.  Now it was the size of a party keg and I had one hour to drink it.  I felt Like Scotty, “It cannot be done, Captain.”  

I began to drink from Tanker #2.  I swear my water broke 20 times that night, although I was assured by my doctor that I was not pregnant and had not been in 17 years.  He laughed his ass off to my chronic complaints and said I held the world’s record for being able to talk on the phone while on MoviPrep.  We divas must prioritize.  Complaints to the doctor that forced you to have this procedure trump rocket powered bowel movements.

After going to the bathroom 196 times, it was time for bed so I could be up and ready to go at 5:00 am.   Oddly enough, I slept through the night.  The next morning as soon as the alarm sounded so did the call to nature.  I Movi-Prepped quickly to the bathroom.  Whoosh.  Then off to the shower to make sure I was as  clean externally as I was internally.  Now I was ready for “my procedure”.

I arrived at the office a bit leery and disturbed by the upcoming event.  The nurses were women of great humor and said I would meet the doctor shortly.   I asked if it was appropriate to make fun of his name being Dr Brown when he is a colon/rectal specialist or more commonly called an ass doctor.  They laughed and said he loved it, but I would have to speak up as he is a little hard of hearing.  On cue, he walked in and introduced himself and was the best looking doctor I have ever seen. No kidding.  He had movie star quality good looks.

Undeterred by his physical appearance and the fact that I am a middle-aged woman having her first colonoscopy, I lit into him. I shouted, “So you are Dr Brown.  Did you make that up or is it your real name, Master Prober?”

He said, “I see you have been talking to my staff.  Remind me to fire them all.”

He was a man of practical wit and very much aware that none of us looked forward to his specialty. I immediately liked him.

Then the anesthesiologist came in and introduced himself.  He did not have a remarkable name so I just called him Dr Gas.  The nurses had already prepared the IV site and I was ready for him.  He was my only escape from this situation.  He had the drugs.  He announced he was going to inject, and it would hurt for a few seconds.  I told him he was my only friend in the operating room and to keep his eyes open on the others while I was sedated.   My conversation was interrupted by the profound ache at the IV site that made my entire arm feel like it had been hit by a sledge hammer 30 seconds before.  I said I could taste the drugs when I breathed.  I felt like I was breathing out drug vapors and any second, the whole crew would keel over.  He comforted me by telling me this was all normal.

Then,  I was gone.  I remember nothing.  I woke up in recovery with a nurse telling me I was through and could go home in just a few minutes.  It was only 20 minutes later.  There was a large clock on the recovery wall as well as the OR.  The doctor came in beaming.  I asked if it was a boy or a girl. 

He laughed and proclaimed, “You didn't get a baby, but you have a beautiful colon.”

You probably won’t believe this but no handsome young professional has ever said that to me and I suddenly felt a sense of pride in this compliment.  

On a more serious side, get the colonoscopy.   The Movi-Prep tastes like mop water smells, but you have to drink it.  You don’t actually get diarrhea but a flushing of the colon.  It is not as bad as I like to make it sound.  Dr Brown and staff were perfect for my first time.  They were a delight.   It is a life preserving procedure.  Do it.  It only takes twenty minutes and you get color photographs of your colon.  Although my colon is beautiful, modesty prevents me from posting.  Use your imagination.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Halloween Is All Tricks and No Treats

For the first time in years, I am looking forward to Halloween. Halloween has always been a creepy holiday. I don't like the idea that all the dead saints are walking around begging for candy. Why do dead saints want candy? Don’t they know it’s bad for the teeth and packs on the pounds?

Halloween was always an obligation to buy 20 -30 pounds of candy to give out to complete strangers that do not live on my street or in my neighborhood. It seemed an odd thing to open a door to people I do not know, wearing masks, carrying large bags, and demanding candy. The really weird thing is everyone is doing it. It is a most bizarre, not too smart idea. Behind those masks could be robbers or worse. They might be crazed killers, or worst of all, candy-hording giants.

Halloween trick or treaters are in for a surprise this year from me. Every year the group is getting older and taller. They aren’t young children. I swear some of them have full beards or built like Dolly Parton, and it ain’t no costume. Last Halloween, I told a trick or treater that we are not giving out beer or Quaaludes. This year with the economy worsening, there will be more candy panhandlers than usual. Everyone is cutting back on luxuries and that includes Milky Ways, Snickers, and m&ms. We all do what we must.

This Halloween, I decided to have a trick rather than a treat. I am cleaning out my cabinets and medicine cabinet and giving it away. I am handing out Rolaids, travel size toothpaste, dental floss, aspirin and anything else I might find. They are demanding a trick or a treat. This year, they get a trick, no treat.

Can you imagine the conversation?
Stranger 1: “What did you get? I got a Tum and a toothpick.”
Stranger 2: “She gave me a Cert and a little bottle of Scope.”
Stranger 3: “She likes you better. She gave me a band aid and roll of gauze.”
Stranger 4: “Can I have your gauze? She gave me adhesive tape and burn ointment.”
Stranger 5: “I got a tampon and sun tan lotion.”
Stranger 6: "Why did she give me Ex-Lax and Pepto Bismol? Which one do I take first?"

Just to play it safe as an added precaution for the adult trick or treaters, I will question them whether they have ulcers or high blood pressure before I give the Advil and cough syrup. I will also check their blood pressure to make them think I know what I am doing. Some will get a foil pack of Alka-Seltzers and xeroxed copies of the sale at the nearest liquor store.

As my supply wears thin, I will turn to condiments. I will be giving out salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard, soy sauce, creamer, packets of sugar and sporks. So come early to get the really good stuff. Breath mints and band aids won’t last all night.

Friday, June 15, 2012

The Amendments to the US Constitution (Written For the Average American, with humor)

 Amendment 1
You have the right to be an asshole. This means that: You have the right to believe in anything no matter how illogical or unscientific it may be. You have the right to shout, at full volume, the first thing that pops into your head, no matter how inane or hateful. You have the right to be lied to by television, news papers, and magazines. You have the right to make worthless Internet petitions that nobody will ever look at. You have the right to herd yourselves together like sheep to the slaughter.

Amendment 2
You have the right to be a redneck and thereby you may own and operate weapons that are so powerful they could vaporize a musk ox from six-hundred yards away, all the while claiming they're for squirrels and such.

Amendment 3
You have the right to tell Uncle Sam to, "Go to Hell," if he ever tries to put soldiers in your house.

Amendment 4
The government is not allowed to invade your privacy without first getting a warrant. However, if the president decides to ignore this amendment, then you have the right to be stupid enough to believe that it's for your own good.

Amendment 5
The government is not allowed to take away your rights just because they think you may have broken the law... unless they later pass something called the Patriot Act which makes this amendment null and void. You also have the right to not have to watch the same episode of Jeopardy twice.

Amendment 6
You have the right to a speedy trial unless the government has arrested you for war crimes, in which case you're in for a long wait.

Amendment 7
You have the right to a trial by jury in civil cases. If you're a minority and the jury just happens to a bunch of angry old white guys, well then you're S.O.L.

Amendment 8
You are safe from cruel and unusual punishment. For the record, being electrocuted, poisoned, shot, and hanged is not cruel or unusual.

Amendment 9
Just because a right is not specifically granted by the US Constitution it doesn't mean the government can deprive you of that right. But this sure won't stop them from trying.

Amendment 10
Your state has the right to think that it can make up its own rules. However, if the federal government doesn't like those rules, they'll cut off all funding to your state until they comply. Why did we even waste time on this amendment?

Amendment 11
This amendment is purposely worded to be hard to understand, so it can't possibly be important.

Amendment 12
In order to prevent our government from being a democracy like we claim it is, we'll use the Electoral College system of voting, thereby making us a republic. Get over it.

Amendment 13
No more slavery. You honkeys now have the right to pick your own damn cotton!

Amendment 14
States are no longer allowed to prevent your rights, unless you're black, female, poor, or a teenager.

Amendment 15
Okay, black people can vote now too, but not the poor, females, or teenagers; and don't even get us started on poor female teenagers!

Amendment 16
The federal government has the right to bleed you dry from taxes. Bend over and take it like a bitch.

Amendment 17
You have the right to not understand how your vote counts in an election because everything is more complex than you're willing to learn.

Amendment 18
You are no longer allowed to get crunk at a party, attempt to dance on the table, fail miserably, fall off, and knock your teeth out on the floor. Shucks.

Amendment 19
Now even women can vote! Wow, what a country!

Amendment 20
Crap about the president and congress... boring...

Amendment 21
Hurray! Once again you have the right to wake up with one Hell of a hang-over, next to a total stranger who looks a lot uglier than you remember, and pray that you were sober enough to use a condom.

Amendment 22
We will never -ever- have to endure three terms of George W. Bush! Hallelujah!

Amendment 23
You have the right to not care that DC gets representation.

Amendment 24
Voting is now free. Even the trailer trash who couldn't afford the 18 cents before can now almost afford to vote.

Amendment 25
It used to be that if you wanted to end a presidential regime you only had to assassinate the president and the vice president. Now you'll have to rub out the speaker of the house, the president of the senate, the secretary of state, the secretary of the treasury, the secretary of defense... and the list goes on an on, so I hope you have a lot of bullets.

Amendment 26
Now even stupid teenagers can vote. When will the horror end?

Amendment 27
Congress has the right to give themselves more money than they deserve, because beer and hookers ain't cheap you know.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Gingrich’s Moon Colony: ‘May Divorce Be With You’

Saturday Night Live brings us a glimpse into a not-so-distant future, a future when Barack Obama‘s second term leads us into a nightmarish socialist dystopia. Luckily, Newt Gingrich‘s vision for a moon colony became a reality.

Monday, May 14, 2012

English May Be Dangerous for Your Health

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...  

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like.  Apparently Speaking English is what kills you.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Hypocrite Michelle Bachmann Citizen of Socialist Country

Anti-socialist and Tea Party spokesperson Michele Bachmann announced she's a citizen of Switzerland, a socialist nation with universal health care and marriage equality. On a related note, Bachmann's family has received a quarter of a million dollars in farm subsidies, the very thing she rails against. We knew she was a bozo when she emerged on the national scene wanting to investigate anyone in Congress "who wasn't patriotic." Seems as this anti-socialist "patriot" takes government handouts AND chooses to be a citizen of a socialist country. It's time for her constituents in Minnesota to dump her for someone who'll better represent the people of her district instead of re-electing this goofy gadfly.

By: Tracy Knauss

Bachmann’s husband Marcus is eligible for Swiss citizenship because his parents are Swiss immigrants, but he only recently registered with the Swiss government, Politico reported earlier this week. Michele Bachmann and her three youngest children became Swiss citizens on March 19, according to the Politico report.

"I have never exercised any rights of that citizenship. Rather, I have always pledged allegiance to our one nation under God, the United States of America. We live in the greatest nation humankind has ever known and I am proud to be an American but it's nice to have someplace to run to if I screw up too bad."

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Corporations to be Executed

We believe that corporations are not persons and possess only the privileges we willfully grant them. Granting corporations the status of legal "persons" effectively rewrites the Constitution to serve corporate interests as though they were human interests. Ultimately, the doctrine of granting constitutional rights to corporations gives a thing illegitimate privilege and power that undermines our freedom and authority as citizens. While corporations are setting the agenda on issues in our Congress and courts, We the People are not; for we can never speak as loudly with our own voices as corporations can with the unlimited amplification of money.

The GOP is always talking about "going back to the constitution" that our forefathers created.  We're certain they will take on the task of trying,  sentencing or executing, as need be,  corporations guilty of massive crimes against the middle class and poor. 

Monday, April 16, 2012

Romney First Robot to Run for President

How a candidate of Romney's pedigree could cut such an unsympathetic figure has become a minor obsession in the media. Explanations range from his association with the corporate one percent to his willingness to contradict himself on key issues. All these are true, but the underlying dynamic governing our reaction to his controversial affiliations and positions is a completely natural psychological response to competing stimuli -- one that's best summed up with a technological metaphor. 

In robotics, researchers have observed that as an object acquires human-like properties, people respond to the object with more positive feelings. The less human-like an object, the less empathy.  Robots have been created that approximate human behavior so closely that the mind interprets the robot in human terms even if the machine lacks a human face. The result is an unsettling feeling that borders on anxiety or revulsion. When a robot inspires such emotions, it's said to have fallen into the uncanny valley of a conceptual graph that charts fluctuations in our empathetic capacity. 

Most politicians tend to be ordinary-looking people who spend their time convincing voters they're office-quality material. Romney is rushing the other way: he's the politician from central casting who is stumbling through an audition for a role of regular human. Not that other candidates don't make mistakes -- they do, all the time -- but in Romney's case awkward moments stand out like neon road signs precisely because we expect him to make the jump from TV to reality as effortlessly and convincingly as his polished appearance would imply. 

Romney's task now is to work his way out of the uncanny valley toward a more compelling style of humanity. There's an app being developed for that but will it be ready and will he be able to master it in time?

Sunday, April 15, 2012


Magic!!! For the Lady of the House!
Love a man singing to just me.
I'll bet that you've never seen anything like this before...for women only!

After you type your name in, a card comes up that says, Sorry, Sorry, Sorry, on it...then...just wait about 10-20 seconds. It's worth the wait! Click on the link below...(hard to see).

Type your name - and wait for your song...

Friday, April 13, 2012

How to Live Forever

Pass to all 60 yrs and older. Cardiovascular Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.
This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!

Scroll Down.

That's enough for the first day. Great Job! Have a glass of wine.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Wal-Mart vs. The Morons

PLEASE, READ THIS TO THE END. IT IS VERY INTERESTING!!! (This is an email that landed in my mail box but thought it worth passing on)

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart Every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

 3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target +Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people, is the world's largest private employer, and most speak English.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the world.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger and Safeway combined, and keep in mind they did this
in only fifteen years.

8. During this same period, 31 big supermarket chains sought bankruptcy.

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which 1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had five years ago.

11. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart stores. (Earth's population is approximately 6.5 Billion.)

12. 90% of all Americans live within fifteen miles of a Wal-Mart.

You may think that I am complaining, but I am really laying the ground work for suggesting that MAYBE we should hire the guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy.

This should be read and understood by all Americans Democrats, Republicans, EVERYONE!!
To President Obama and all 535 voting members of the Legislature

It is now official that the majority of you are corrupt morons:

a.. The U.S. Postal Service was established in 1775. You have had 234 years to get it right and it is broke.

b.. Social Security was established in 1935. You have had 74 years to get it right and it is broke.

c.. Fannie Mae was established in 1938. You have had 71 years to get it right and it is broke.

d.. War on Poverty started in 1964. You have had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor" and but it isn't helping or getting to the right place.

e.. Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965. You have had 44 years to get it right and they are broke.

f.. Freddie Mac was established in 1970. You have had 39 years to get it right and it is broke.

g.. The Department of Energy was created in 1977 to lessen our dependence on foreign oil. It has ballooned to 16,000 employees with a budget of $24 billion a year and we import more oil than ever before. You had 32 years to get it right and it is an abysmal failure.

Folks, keep this circulating.. It is very well stated. Maybe it will end up in the e-mails of some of our "duly elected' (they never read anything) and their staff will clue them in on how Americans feel.
I know what's wrong. We have lost our minds to "Political Correctness" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone please tell me what the HELL's wrong with all the people that run this country!!!!!!

We're "broke" & can't help our own Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless etc.,???????????
In the last months we have provided aid to Haiti , Chile , and Turkey ... And now Pakistan .......previous home of bin Laden. Literally, BILLIONS of DOLLARS!!!

Our retired seniors living on a 'fixed income' receive no aid nor do they get any breaks while our government and religious organizations pour  Hundreds of Billions of $s and Tons of Food to Foreign Countries! We have hundreds of adoptable children who are shoved aside to make room for the adoption of foreign orphans.

AMERICA: a country where we have homeless without shelter, children going to bed hungry, elderly going without 'needed' meds, and mentally ill without treatment -etc,etc.
They have a 'Benefit' for the people of Haiti on 12 TV stations, ships and planes lining up with food, water, tents clothes, bedding, doctors and medical supplies.

Imagine if the *GOVERNMENT* gave 'US' the same support they give to other countries. Sad isn't it?
99% of people won't have the guts to forward this.
I'm one of the 1% -- I Just Did

**Irate comments welcome from all sides.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

 I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and
 Asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
 I turned around and walked back out and never went back.
 My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

 I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I
 Was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for
 Several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen
 Who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me.
 Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing
 With men's balls'

 My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a
 Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the
 Boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
 I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
 My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned
 Beet-red and walked away.
 To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

 This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very
 Embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think
 Before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get
 Any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
 To have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and
 'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
 Not only did Bob have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they
 Were laughing so hard!

 Now, didn't that feel good?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Top 10 Ways to Cope With the Holidays Without Committing a Felony

1. Reduce expectations and find joy in the fact that the refrigerator light bulb still works.

2. Have a good place to hide from the crazy relatives. Under the bed is an excellent choice. Carry a blanket with you at all times. You can immediately cover your head so no one knows you are there.

3. Splurge and buy a hard hat for yourself. Wear it until January 3, especially if you expect to survive putting up lights and  nasty fights over holiday deep discounts.

4. Get a yule log and a wassail when you figure out what they are. Get me one too. Buy lots of Coke in the Coca-Cola Santa can.  They are getting rid of the polar bear cans.  Another Classic failure. Coca Cola Santa always makes me happy.  Plus it goes well with rum!

5. Write a letter to Santa and tell on everyone who has been naughty. Revenge is sweet, and you can’t wrap and put a bow on that package.

6. Have plenty of aluminum foil and duct tape around. It will come in handy for something. Never use aluminum foil as a substitute for a dinner plate. Never use a dinner plate as a substitute for aluminum foil. Never duct tape a turkey.

7. Remember silence is golden, and duct tape is silver. Knowing when to apply gold or silver is important. Do not duct tape any family members under 18. Do not expect any gold.

8. Make frequent visits to best friends, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker.  This can never be underestimated.  Put more noggin in your eggnog.  Bacardi is inexpensive and could save you from murdering Aunt Betty or Uncle Fred.

9. Try to impress people by saying you knew two of the three original Wise Men.  If that seems a little too pretentious, announce that you know at least three of Santa's elves.

10. Click your heels three times and say, "There is no place like somewhere else."

Remember it is just  another Christmas with the family, and down deep, in a dark recess of you heart, you really love it.  Quit whining and get with spirit.  Merry Christmas.