How To Get Out of Hell Free

What is a Get out of Hell Free Card? Aren't we all looking for this? Haven't we all have done something we feel sure will land us a hot seat in hell, something where we violated a trust or confidence that contaminated our soul? We walk the world somberly awaiting our fate. What can be done about it? Do we get a second chance? The answer is "Hell yes, we do".

In Monopoly, there is a Get out of Jail Free Card. It may be used at the player's discretion when he/she gets in a bind. No punishment, just instant freedom, like salvation served from a microwave. A Get Out of Hell Free is a card given for doing an outstanding, righteous, good deed. Saving a life worthy of saving, committing to the sick, making a difference to someone that will be eternal are all worthy of the Card. Keeping a promise made to someone in the afterlife is deserving of a Get Out of Hell Free Card. It will get you out of Hell free. It is a one time deal!

The card may be used at the point of entry to Hell. When presented to the gate keeper, do not pass go. You are directly whisked to Heaven to have your credentials reviewed. If it is determined your card is valid and given for a selfless act, you will be given a seat in Heaven. Collect as many as possible in case the first one turns out to be invalid.

To find out more about the amazing cards and to be considered, please send your comment to this location and a description of your deed to determine if you should get out of Hell free. Liars who feign righteousness will certainly go to Hell. In other words, Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin do not qualify. If someone applies and receives this valuable card for nefarious reasons, a seat over the roasting pit is your eternal reward. If you end up there, say "Hah!" to Dick Cheney.

Once these cards are distributed please keep in a safe location. They are not transferable. There is no interest and it is good for eternity. You may use yours to argue a case for someone less noble which could cause you to receive another card. Here, no good deed goes unrewarded.

Giant Crack in Africa Will Create a New Ocean -See Giant Crack That Did It

Y'all ain't gonna believe this $h!t! It is for real. A giant crack in Africa will create a new ocean. "A 35-mile rift in Ethiopia will likely become a new ocean eventually, researchers now confirm." This is an exact quote and note the use of the word "confirm". That means it's true!

I think we see the crack responsible! Who knew you could do that? I have seen bigger bums that that, but they were covered. For that I am quite thankful. It lends new meaning to "Thanksgiving". None of these larger "cracks" ceated oceans. Would't the bladder be responsible for that?

This is some weird activity going on here. This crack is 20 feet at the widest location. (I knew it was big but it didn't look that big.) Since it's first appearance in 2005 (call me crazy but I think it goes back farther than that), "some geologists believed then that it would spawn a new ocean." The rift has not been intensely studied (something else to be thankful for). You would think a giant crack like that could spawn some terrible things, but an ocean was not one of the choices I had in mind.

A new study among an international team of scientist, indicates a sea is in the future for this area. It is nearly the same as what goes on at the bottom of the ocean. The same rift activity is slowly parting the Red Sea. Holy Moses, we have got to stop this.

This is pretty graphic right here so don't let the kids read this. I will use exact quotes once again with selective parts left out to make it more amusing. "The rift tore open along its entire 35-mile length in just days. Then magma pushed up through the middle of the rift area and began "unzipping" the rift in both directions, the researchers explained in a statement today." Please don't let there be any more unzipping. How do we zip that thing back up?

"Such sudden large-scale events on land pose a much more serious hazard to populations living near the rift than would several smaller events" No kidding. With a crack like that, you folks better run for your life.

"The whole point of this study is to learn whether what is happening in Ethiopia is like what is happening at the bottom of the ocean where it's almost impossible for us to go," "We knew that if we could establish that, then Ethiopia would essentially be a unique and superb ocean-ridge laboratory for us. Because of the unprecedented cross-border association behind this research, we now know that the answer is yes, it is analogous." Do not snicker about the "bottom of the ocean and "anal"agous or "ass"ociation behind the research. I think this is a cryptic message.

We need to do the right thing and rid the world of this Ethipioian crack.

Till death do us part: Walmart.com selling caskets

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. is now catering to its shoppers' needs from cradle to grave.The world's largest retailer has introduced online sales of caskets, expanding a merchandise selection that spans engagement rings and baby gear to a new major milestone in its shoppers' lives. Shoppers can choose from the Lady de Guadalupe steel casket for $895 or a sienna bronze casket for $2,899.00.

Walmart.com spokesman Ravi Jariwala said it is selling the products as a "limited beta test" that launched within the last few weeks.Wal-Mart has been revamping its merchandise selection in stores and online to expand into categories it believes have high potential for growth.

The funeral service industry generates $11 billion in revenue a year, according to the National Funeral Directors Association. In 2007, the association said the U.S. death rate was 8.0 people per thousand, and that is expected to rise to 9.3 people per thousand by the year 2020.

The caskets do not qualify for Walmart.com's free site-to-store shipping program, where shoppers can buy an item online and have it shipped to a local store for free.
Instead, the website says the caskets require freight delivery to the shopper's preferred address. The estimated shipping cost for the sienna bronze casket is $99.
(Not bad for a metal casket. Is any assembly required?)

Picture this: Your loved one, who had a chronic condition (like living) had the foresight to pick out the casket and buy it from Walmart ahead of time. Maybe they were strange enough to even sleep in it or at least to scare the kids on Halloween. When your loved one passed on and it was time for final arrangements what do you tell the funeral home when they lead you to the casket gallery? "No thanks, we brought our own." Will they accept it or is it like the movies that allows no outside food or drinks so they can sell you theirs? And if that's the case, isn't that a good excuse for the next step...Walmart embalming services? Walmart crematorium? Walmart funeral services at the Walmart church? It won't be enough that funeral goers receive discount coupons for attending. Just doesn't seem right, does it?

Do You Know Jack $h!t?

Well, do you? I think I went to school with him, but I don't remember him too well. He was a smart ass.

With a streak of silver comes a streak of insanity. The older you get, the loonier you become, and there may be good reason for that. I discovered some really important stupid human facts that you probably did not know. First a sprig of gray hair, here and there that you barely notice. Then a line around your eyes and mouth from laughing that no else sees. Then insomnia.

It's not that I mind not sleeping; it is that I mind being awake. With age comes insomnia. We all have heard of "sleeping like a baby", but who ever heard of "sleeping like an old person"? The reason is the older you get, the less you sleep. Research indicates that insomniacs may move as many as seventy times. I am an insomniac, but I never moved anywhere near that much. I think somebody got insomniacs and gypsies confused. If it is true, I can explain part of it. You can't sleep in a strange place. If you move seventy times, every place is a strange place

Here is another thing you may notice. You cannot remember Jack $h!t and wonder where you heard his name. How many times have you walked into a room to do something and stared around blankly looking for any clue as to what your intentions were? You decide to quit looking because whatever it was has escaped you. You go back to what you were doing because it must not have been important. You go to the refrigerator and forget what you came for so you get something to drink. You drive along and suddenly forget where you are going and think you have missed the turn to some place. You go to the store to buy macaroni and forget exactly why you came so you buy cheese.

Aging and forgetfulness go together like Geritol and Sominex. I learned some important fact about aging and the human body that could help us all with this dreadful condition.

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh an average of 17 times a day. Laughing keeps us healthy. One more important thing we forgot to do today! Maybe we should all get a tattoo on the top of our hand to remind us to laugh more often.

In a lifetime the average US resident eats more than 50 tons of food and drinks more than 13,000 gallons of liquid. No way! That would be close to a ton a year, close to 6 lbs a day. I don't think so. Not me. Rush Limbaugh got the entire allotment for LA for the next 76 years.

The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food. Yeah, that 50 tons of food that you ate nothing to do with that!

The sound of a snore (up to 69 decibels) can be almost as loud as the noise of a pneumatic drill. No wonder old people are deaf after 80 years of snoring when they do sleep.

Humans shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days - almost 1,000 new skins in a lifetime. We are the snakes of the mammal kingdom.

A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day. No wonder old people don't have much hair. Multiply that times the number days you lived, and that is a really big number and a lot of hair.

Three-hundred-million cells die in the human body every minute. Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour - about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average person will have lost 105 pounds of skin. No wonder old people keep getting smaller and smaller.

Consider this as well the next time you see a much smaller old person:

By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds. If that is true, why is Rush so fat? Oral fixation? The big cigars verify that.

Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies. Call the police, someone is stealing their little baby bones. By age 80, we'll be lucky to have a bone left.

By the time you turn 70, your heart will have beat some two-and-a-half billion times (figuring on an average of 70 beats per minute.) I want a dollar for every time.

If it were removed from the body, the small intestine would stretch to a length of 22feet. Well, Genius, put that back! That's a pretty lame experiment, if you ask me, to remove an intestine to see how long it was. It's like chopping down a giant Redwood to count the rings. I think the human brain has to be shrinking. Lets open the head and see how small the brain is.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. I have nothing to say about this, but I don't think they need to wear a helmet for anything.

The human brain is about 85% water. Small wonder with that 13,000 gallons of water you drank!

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. I knew it was true for everyone else.

The largest human organ is the skin, with a surface area of about 25 square feet. I'll bet you guys were surprised to learn that skin is the largest organ. Skin really is an organ. But 25 square feet? I swear I do not have 25 square feet of skin. I am beginning to doubt the validity of my own research.

Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people. Does that logically mean the more hair you have, the more fun? People used to say bald guys were more virile. It was mostly bald guys who said that. I have no idea whether that one is true or not.

According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches. Guys, we are not asking for verification of this fact. We do not need to. We'll ask the girls who have more fun. We will also ask them about the bald guys, too.

Now, back to the subject of Jack $h!t. "I worked with Jack $h!t, I knew Jack $h!t, Jack $h!t was a friend of mine. You are no Jack $h!t." I told you I knew him.

Buns and Barbs 1st annual Best of the Net B.S. Awards

I’ve been noticing a lot of “Best of the Net Awards” being proclaimed. It sounds impressive until you do a little research. Just who are proclaiming these awards? Editors of blogs and ezines mostly, some more impressive than others and some not the least impressive, I dare say. So in the same spirit of pomposity we are announcing the Buns and Barbs 1st annual Best of the Net B.S. Awards. We will be looking mainly at humorous blogs that poke good natured fun at the ridiculous aspects of our culture that perhaps stimulate us re-think who we are as a nation.

We don’t want to miss any great blogs so feel free to nominate any blog you feel is appropriate for the catagory by sending a live link to bunsandbarbs@gmail.com
Winners will be announced on November 30th. Send in your nominations as soon as possible.

The Invasion of The Body Snatchers - This Is What Happens When You Get Past 40

Are you over 40? Have you looked at all the friends you have known for at least 20 years and thought, "Who are those old people?" It is happening to me on a regular basis. I could not be approximately the same age as them, they are old. What happened to those vivacious, slim, handsome, fun-loving, young people we used to know? Where did they all go? A lot of them joined up with the other side is what happened.

This was the group that used to party all night long, rocked until daylight, trekked long distances to see the Rolling Stones, U2, Fleetwood Mac, the Who, Bruce Springsteen, and Billy Idol. We went to three day concerts, suffered heat strokes together, went on road trips, and thumbed our noses (actually we gave the finger) at the establishment. We dared each other with beer bongs and other vices (vicier vices than beer bongs). We cared about the environment and doing the right thing for all humans, which was peace and equality. With age, some of my friends became more conservative. Now, I find many from this bunch have "gone rogue", they joined the other team. They are anti-equality, anti-healthcare, anti-immigrant, antisocial, and just plan weird. They are the ones we used to complain about, the ones who sacrificed the environment for short-term gain, who started and kept wars going, who sided with big business over individual rights. Now, they have a superiorty complex, are pro-wealthcare, pro-war and have forgotten what it is to be on the side that’s losing. They forgot who they were. Look y’all, I got your names, addresses, and phone numbers. I know who you really are.

Here is what I think happened to these people, the Body Snatchers got them! The Body Snatchers replaced them with a bunch of weird old people that I do not know nor like. They do, however, vaquely resemble the people I used to know. The Body Snatchers stole their personalities and made them cynical. They stole their taut young bodies and replaced them with wrinkled, saggy ones. They took their values and replaced those with weak saggy ones, too. They took their minds and made them bitter, prejudiced, less tolerant and less than kind. They took their eyes full of youth and hope and repaced them with tired, weary worn eyes. I don’t want a bunch of old crazy people with a few young ones, I want the people back I used to know.


I liked the ones who stood up when it mattered, the ones who had fire in their eyes and passion in their hearts, the ones who knew who "The Boss" is. Now some of them have poor vision, quadruple bypasses and heartburn. They used to believe in looking out for the weaker among us, hated disco, and loved their fellow human regardless of race or religion, so long as he or she did not like disco music. Problems were solved by beer bashes and camaraderie. I liked guys who shook hands that funny way and wore leather straps around their wrists. I liked Billy Idol because he knew what “Little sister” had done. I know too. Believe me, she did. Seems like me and Billy are the only ones who remember now. He probably remembers because he wrote it down.

I was with some other friends who are hardcore "young" people recently at a cookout. I thought these friends did not get old. Our values were still intact. We still liked to rock and roll. We began taking photos which was a big mistake. We should not have done that. We looked at them on the computer. Another mistake. One friend said, "All I see is a bunch of old people." I said, “I thought we were all young and good looking until I saw that. Now I am depressed. When did y’all get so old?"

Then I realized, we were not old. Everything was still right where it always was. Values, belief system, political views, yep, we were young!

I refuse to go to any reunion of any kind because I am afraid of the Body Snatchers. I do not want to see how people have aged and changed values since I last saw them. I will not attend any high school or college reunion to find out no one became a US President, an astronaut, a nuclear physicist, world renowned heart surgeon, or a top movie star. As long as I don't know, I can believe they are all leading exotic lives, doing incredible things in research and technology that benefit the future of mankind. I can't handle the truth.

If only I had figured the Body Snatchers out early on. I could have saved so many. I would have found a reason to look under their beds and found the pod person growing there and got rid of it. We would have devised a plan to protect our other friends and got rid of the "pod" people who took over their lives. It is happening at an astounding rate. Haven't you run into someone you used to know and were shocked by how old he was? "Pod" people got to him.

Look under you beds. If there is a pod growing, you will be old in a few days unless you follow my advice. Believe me I have seen it many times. Drag it out into the yard and destroy it. This is a warning to all you young people; they can and will get you if you are not careful. The Body Snatchers are relentless. They try to catch me at every turn, but I manage to stay a few steps ahead. You can too. If they get you, your vision instantly goes bad, develop health conditions, get conservative, and old rock and roll becomes a noise rather than a joy. Remember being young, it kills the "pod" people.

There are several clues that the Body Snatchers got you and are truly growing old.
1. You hate all the new music.
2. You hate all the new clothes.
3. You hate all the new ideas, political and otherwise.
4. You do not remember being young, idealistic, and in love.
5. The big one is "I don't understand the kids these days."

Guess what? I do like the new music. I like the new clothing. I am pro-stem cell research, pro-green, and for marriage between any two people who want to marry. I want peace on earth and a cleaner environment. I want universal healthcare. I remember being young. I am still idealistic and in love. I don't understand most of the people my age anymore. What the hell happened to y'all?

I know there are more out there just like me and a few of my friends. I want to find them. Some of us are still the people we always knew we were. We are still twenty-something at heart, just a few wrinkles and a few grey hairs to show how far we have come. Get young again, and don't let the Body Snatchers get you.

Bob Dylan's Christmas (?) CD - Christmas in the Heart

I think I am having flashbacks again. If I am not, I am very pleased to announce that there is, for real, a Bob Dylan Christmas CD, "Christmas In the Heart" due out next month. Get the kids and sleeping bags ready now, and find your place in line. Avoid the stampede.

I can't just make this CD bullshit up for my own amusement. This is real news! Big news! A new Bob Dylan CD! Well, actually, I do make a lot of it up, but this is true, I swear. I got this information from a highly reliable source, Rick's Facebook page. I checked it out myself. I heard it with my own eyes. (Yeah, it shook me up that bad!)

Go to the address below for a free sampling: http://www.tower.com/christmas-in-heart-bob-dylan-cd/wapi/113833021

Bob Dylan singing Christmas carols? This is not real. I must be having flashbacks again.

I have always been a fan of Bob Dylan. He sang some of the finest songs ever recorded and is the uncrowned leader of a generation. Bob Dylan never sought nor claimed the crown, but he was and is the unofficial king. His intentions with this CD are quite honorable. All proceeds from the sale of this CD will go to charity, to feed the hungry. Could there be a more noble cause? But I wouldn't count those bellies too full too fast.

The best of intentions do not always work out. I offered to help Sarah Palin market the "Sarah Palin Inflatable Sex Doll", but it only got laughs, no cash. You can't put that in the bank.

I have no problem with the fact Bob Dylan is Jewish singing Christmas carols. It is a merry season; "the more, the..." well, you know the rest. One of the Christmas favorites of all time, "White Christmas" was written by Jewish composer, Irving Berlin. Thank you, Irving Berlin. But Bob Dylan's voice and joyous Christmas carols go together like a bottle of wine and barbed wire. You just don't quite get the connection right away. Really! And it isn't just me.

I listened again. Oh hell, it ain't the flashbacks. This is real. "Oh, the humanity."

I love Bob Dylan, and I have for years. I bought albums, yes, vinyl albums, of his music. I still enjoy "Subterranean Homesick Blues." Who can find fault with "Just Like a Woman", "Knocking on Heaven's Door", "Blowin' In the Wind" or "Lay, Lady, Lay"? But Christmas and Dylan? Who thought of this? Are Bill and Ted collaborating again? It would explain so much that has been happening in the world.

As a counter offer to Bob Dylan's "Christmas In the Heart" CD, my friends Rick, Sandy, Kinky Friedman, and I are forming our own band and will also release a CD, "Christmas In the Head". We will do a version of us doing Bob Dylan doing Christmas Carols. Since Bob Dylan is Jewish, we thought it appropriate to add in a couple of Jewish folks like Sandy and Kinky. Since we will be half Jew, half Christian, we will try to cover all the holidays in both religions and get paid time off for us, as well. We will call ourselves, "The Opportunists".

Sandy can't sing; neither can I, I don't know about Rick, but hey, as soon as we get Kinky signed on, we'll be on fire. We will guarantee to brighten up your Christmas season without all that eggnog and rum. On second thought, we might sound better with the rum, lots of rum. Better get a few bottles. Our proceeds won't go to charity but we will make a donation to Kinky Friedman's run for governor of Texas. As an added bonus, we will throw in Kinky Friedman's classic, "They Don't Make Jews Like Jesus Anymore" just as soon as Kinky says it's okay.

All together now, "Jingle Beelllsss, Jingle Belllls, jingle alll th waaayyy." You're getting the hang of this aren't you? Try singing it in private the first time, and you'll be able to join our band in 25-30 minutes.

Seriously folks, after listening a few times, it is like all of Dylan's music, you have to develop an ear for it. I have listened so much that I have found I am liking it, for real! His rugged voice and vocal rhythms do complement these Christmas carols, and I am very serious. It is a noble cause and Bob Dylan will always hold a special place in my heart, so give his CD a shot. The good you do could help some hungry people. For those of us who enjoy Christmas, it is "in the heart". Bob Dylan has a fine heart for putting himself out there and exposing himself to ridicule from ignorant people like me. I love taking the cheap shots and low blows, but usually not to one of my own. Please buy the CD, Bob Dylan's "Christmas In the Heart".
"Singer or savior, it was his to choose
Which of us knows what was his to lose
Because idols are best when they're made of stone
A savior's a nuisance to live with at home
Stars often fall, heroes go unsung
And martyrs most certainly die too young"
The world is a better place because Bob Dylan passed through, and we were fortunate enough to see and hear him.

I still do not have the final go ahead from Kinky, so we hope to get our CD out in time for any holiday including Halloween 2010. Would Bob Dylan do Halloween? "Wheennnn you're straaannnggggge, nobody remembeeerrr's your naaamme..."

Sarah Palin's New Book, Going Rogue

Sarah's new book is due November 17. It should give us liberals something to make fun of for a while. To begin with, we can mark up the pages and discount the lies and see what is left. Then give it as a gift to our conservative friends

I wonder if John McCain will buy one. I doubt it. He would not be in the same room. This woman was supposed to be supportive. She was anything but supportive; she sabotaged his chances for being president. If offered, John would politely say, "Thanks, but no thanks." which is what he should have said when picking her as a running mate. He knows it all too late.

Will Neiman Marcus sell them? I hope not. It would lower their high standards and appeal of Neiman's throughout the world. As a shopper spending someone else's money, she was a terrific customer. $180,000.00 in a single month qualifies as a good customer but these guys have standards, high standards for what they sell. Her book does not qualify as high quality. I shop there on occasion, but for the most part I find it out of my price range. Great quality but does not fit my depressed bank account.

I wasn't sure of what definition was meant by rogue so I looked it up:
1. a dishonest, knavish person; scoundrel.
2. a playfully mischievous person; scamp: The youngest boys are little rogues.
3. a tramp or vagabond.
4. a rogue elephant or other animal of similar disposition.
5. Biology. a usually inferior organism, esp. a plant, varying markedly from the normal.
6. to live or act as a rogue.
7. to cheat.
8. to uproot or destroy (plants, etc., that do not conform to a desired standard).
9. to perform this operation upon: to rogue a field.
10. (of an animal) having an abnormally savage or unpredictable disposition, as a rogue elephant.
11. no longer obedient, belonging, or accepted and hence not controllable or answerable; deviating, renegade: a rogue cop; a rogue union local.

The #1 definition suits her best I think. I looked up knave and it is "a tricky, deceitful fellow; a dishonest person; a rogue; a villain." Sarah, should you write a book whose title says I am a tricky, dishonest person. Announcing it is a rather stupid mistake . But considering the source, I guess it is more than appropriate. Some UK'ers call you imbecile, I am inclined to agree. Stop the lunacy, and quietly disappear. You make all us Americans look bad. Let Obama repair our image around the world and keep your image hidden behind a book you will never read.

I am sure someone will buy this book, but I think it will mostly sell to people who want to tear it apart. Loyal Republicans do not like what you did to McCain. Some guys will buy it hoping to find some salacious fact or looking for a fold out. Hey guys, there isn't one, so don't waste your money.

I am offended by the fact that she pretends to be doing something for women as a group, to elevate our status. She does as much for women as a Barbie doll. Put the proper outfit on her and she is a doctor, astonaut, or bimbo. Same with Sarah. To consider her a working mother is a misnomer. It implies you give dual attention to both jobs. You walked out on both. She quit work, governor of Alaska to pursue money-making deals since she was a hot commodity. The title "mother" is unfitting. She needed to tend the home fires, and rather than acknowledge, she ran from them. She is a grandmother to an illegitimate child. Do something to help your daughter continue in school so that she may have a career and stop the baby production. The kids might have worked it out if mother-in-law would have stepped out. As it is, the grandchild will grow up without any close ties to dad because you will not let it happen. Your own daughter refers to you as clueless on teenage sex.

Any parent to a child with Down's syndrome needs to be a full-time parent. It is a full-time job, not even 8 hours a day, more likely a 20 hour per day job. I see it daily. Leaving this child to someone else to teach and educate is a responsibility that begins at home. This child needs love,support, and nurturing. Also you have a son in Iraq. All the mothers of the soldiers I know, live in fear of getting a phone call or visit from the US government telling them something has happened to their son or daughter. They are constantly emailing, sending photos, packages, and messages of love. Do you ever once stop to think about anything except how is your makeup and hair? Does this outfit look good?

Sarah, there are enough problems at home to drive anyone over the edge, but you choose to ignore, to pursue your own agenda. You have betrayed your family, John McCain, your state, your party, and your sex. You are a rogue, "a dishonest, knavish person; a scoundrel." and to take pride is abominable. That means "loathesome, detestable". Take a long hard look at yourself. You will see a fair face and stop there. But keep looking until you see your soul and then stop. Do the right thing. Become a person.