There is a Sarah Palin Sex Doll! This Babe is for You!

This is too good to be true. Oh the jokes and lame suggestive statements I can make here. Why am I the last to know? For those of you who still do not know, here is the news. There is a Sarah Palin sex doll that states clearly on the box, "This is not a Sarah Palin blow up Doll." No, it's the real thing! Just kidding, I guess.

The doll has many conveniences over the real thing. She doesn't make stupid statements. She cannot see Russia. She does not try to read everything in front of her. She doesn't require a $150,000.00 wardrobe to get her through a few months. Her IQ is much higher than the real thing and she's no quitter. I consider her a vast improvement over Campaign Sarah and Governor Sarah. Snicker here, ladies.

This tickles me to no end to think some pervert will buy one. Somebody buy one, please, and tell me about it! I am that sick or in need of a good laugh. I've never actually seen a real blow up doll, but we have all heard stories. I cannot imagine who will buy this. Certainly not Democrats. So Republicans, this babe is for you!

Think about it! There must be a market. Did Rush get one? Probably not, he'd pop it in a second, or maybe, he already did. Did Bush? Nah, Laura would not let him. What about Glenn Beck? We know Crybaby Glenn has her out for the holidays. That much hot air blowing her up would cause her to rise off the bed like a banshee. Scary. Imagine Beck here and a banshee. Laugh quietly so that no one knows what you are reading. He could even dress her in Neiman Marcus lingerie. Only the best will do for their Sara. What about O' Reilly? Another great match.

Once you inflate her, do you let her stay up permanently? Can you use her as a flotation device? I imagine she would be a lot of fun at pool parties. So in order to find the new "This is Not a Sarah Palin Sex Doll", sneak a peek over the fence and look in a Republican's back yard. It is in the swimming pool.

I am beginning to like it more and more the idea of blow up political figures. Personally I would like to think Caribou Barbie doll could find happiness with a blow up former governor of Ilinois, Rod Blagojevich, who refused to quit, blow-up doll. Please tell me there is a Blagojevich doll. Just think of the little plastic babies. They'd never stop talking and have way too much hair. Think of the assinine remarks they could make.

Real Blagojevich and the real Palin would make a lovely couple. He could do his wheelin' and dealin' and Palin could be packing heat for protection. Anyone spies, he dies. Nobody would catch them doing anything!

I like the idea of those two together. It would be a marriage made in hell. Perfect! Graft, corruption, guns, money, hair and sex. You couldn't make up anything better. They could bungee jump off the big Jesus in Rio, barbecue Olbermann over Labor Day, roast Maddow for Thanksgicing, and have all sorts of exciting fun. I implore both of you, for the sake of humor, leave your spouses and hook up. I will even be responsible for a fund to convince you two to do it. Bogie and Bacall it ain't, but at least it's funny.

If you would like to add your own jokes about Sarah and/or Rod, please feel free to do so or if you would like to contribute to the Rod and Sarah hook up fund, I accept cash. Surely I am not the only one who thinks this is hilarious.

In 1,132 days, the World Will End.

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As a frequent reader of the really weird news and follower of lunatic cults, I think I can guarantee beyond all doubt, the world will end December 21,2012, at 12:21 pm. I even assigned the exact time. I am a seer. I foresaw the assassination of JFK, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the failure of Beanie Babies futures, that New Coke was a dud, and Bush would go to war in the Middle East. In all fairness, I have to admit it was at least 30 years after the fact when I saw Oliver Stone's movie, "JFK". But I still foresaw it. My timing was just a little off. The rest is almost true and some of it was a no brainer.

I don't agree with all that solar and lunar line up crap, it has to do with numbers. 12/21/2012. Why do all those numbers have 1,2,0? They are the devil's numbers, that's why. All this could have been avoided if we had added a 13th month. There are thirteen lunar cycles in a year and we could have had 13 months of 28 days one left over for good luck that we don't count. It could and should have been a National, no Universal Holiday (to hell with the other planets and their holidays). After the 13th month and before the first month of the new year, we could have "Happy 365th Day!" BUT NO! Somebody had to go mucking with the calendars and assign 12 months with random numbers of days per month. Who the hell's idea was that, anyway?

I don't quite understand the logic there. Simply look at 1,2,0. These numbers are inherently evil. They can't help it. Look at 1st,2nd,10th,11th, and 12th months. They are January, February, October, November and December. These are mean months. They are cold months. They are not nice and friendly like the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th,7th 8th , and 9th months (March, April, May June July August and September). JFK died in the 11th month. Coincidence, I don't think so? Winter comes in December, coincidence again? The end of the world comes 12/21/2010. You head is full of glue if you are not scared by now!

Everything dies in winter. I suppose you think that is a coincidence too. These months are also flu season, too. Another coincidence? No plant life except evergreens survive these killing months. The ancient calendar makers did not know about evergreeens. That's why we use them as Christmas trees. That was a holy plan.

Why do we allow a new day to start at 12:00? Who's idea was that? It's those evil numbers again. It should start at 24 o'clock. Who said we divide the days into two sets of twelve. (note the "2" sets of "12" hours). Now, that's crazy or evil or the devils work. What about that daylight savings time? We set the clocks "1" hour ahead and fall "1" hour back. See the pattern developing with the 1's here. Pure unadulterated evil!

All this 1,2,0 crap might have been the work of a few crazy, ancient Mayans who made calendars for hundreds of years in advance. Were they afraid they would forget Aunt Martha's 984th birthday? You don't have to make a calendar hundreds of years in advance. I won't use that creepy calendar. I use the Irish Leprechaun Calendar. It is reliable, has lucky days, and good drinking days marked well in advance so that you have no need for a horoscope. I am Irish so I can say that.

I called a calendar manufacturer and asked them which days were lucky and good for drinking. They did not know. And they call themselves calendar manufacturers! I asked them to send me a calendar for 2089. You won't believe this! They did not have one, not a single one. It's because they know the world ends in 2012. These people are not stupid.

There are but three hopes for humanity and I doubt we can get everyone to go along with either.

One solution is: If we changed the numbers 1,2,0,11,12,10 to abstract signs like those symbols that the artist formerly know as Prince uses, we could solve the problem. All the months would be nice and friendly. We couldn't pronounce them but they would be nice months.

Solution 2: Use the Irish Leprechaun Calendar. We need all the lucky days and drinking days we can get. It makes a hell of a lot more sense than that creepy Mayan Calendar, who are a devil's cult and trying to kill us off thousands of years later.

Solution3: Use 13 months and 28 days per month and "Happy 365 Day" which is very similar to the Irish Leprechaun Calendar.

There are several things we should do to plan for the end. I plan to get my hair cut and highlighted 12/20/2010, charge a beautiful new oufit, shoes, and jewelry. I plan on drinking, eating high cholestrol foods and living like there is no tomorrow. It could be quite liberating.

Now that I have argued that point, I will counterpoint. It is a f$#@ing calendar. Calendars do not make predicitions. They have no psychic ability. They are measuring devices for scheduling. A yard stick ends at 36 inches. Run for your lives! Anyone taller than 3 feet will be considered closer to death. December 21 was the end of the Mayan Year. What other time would you end a calendar? As far as making calendars ahead of time, they did it for several hundred hundred years. That is enough. Larry, the Mayan calendar maker thought he had done it far enough in advance. If you looked at a friend's calendar and saw they made it up until their birthday, would you assume the world ends on their birthday? If you believe the world will end December 21, 2012, you probably would believe that, too.

I do not know how to tell you folks, this but do you know what follows December 21,2010? December 22, 2010 and so on up until 3038 when the world really ends. I am sticking around until then to say, I told you so!

How To Get Out of Hell Free

What is a Get out of Hell Free Card? Aren't we all looking for this? Haven't we all have done something we feel sure will land us a hot seat in hell, something where we violated a trust or confidence that contaminated our soul? We walk the world somberly awaiting our fate. What can be done about it? Do we get a second chance? The answer is "Hell yes, we do".

In Monopoly, there is a Get out of Jail Free Card. It may be used at the player's discretion when he/she gets in a bind. No punishment, just instant freedom, like salvation served from a microwave. A Get Out of Hell Free is a card given for doing an outstanding, righteous, good deed. Saving a life worthy of saving, committing to the sick, making a difference to someone that will be eternal are all worthy of the Card. Keeping a promise made to someone in the afterlife is deserving of a Get Out of Hell Free Card. It will get you out of Hell free. It is a one time deal!

The card may be used at the point of entry to Hell. When presented to the gate keeper, do not pass go. You are directly whisked to Heaven to have your credentials reviewed. If it is determined your card is valid and given for a selfless act, you will be given a seat in Heaven. Collect as many as possible in case the first one turns out to be invalid.

To find out more about the amazing cards and to be considered, please send your comment to this location and a description of your deed to determine if you should get out of Hell free. Liars who feign righteousness will certainly go to Hell. In other words, Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin do not qualify. If someone applies and receives this valuable card for nefarious reasons, a seat over the roasting pit is your eternal reward. If you end up there, say "Hah!" to Dick Cheney.

Once these cards are distributed please keep in a safe location. They are not transferable. There is no interest and it is good for eternity. You may use yours to argue a case for someone less noble which could cause you to receive another card. Here, no good deed goes unrewarded.

Giant Crack in Africa Will Create a New Ocean -See Giant Crack That Did It

Y'all ain't gonna believe this $h!t! It is for real. A giant crack in Africa will create a new ocean. "A 35-mile rift in Ethiopia will likely become a new ocean eventually, researchers now confirm." This is an exact quote and note the use of the word "confirm". That means it's true!

I think we see the crack responsible! Who knew you could do that? I have seen bigger bums that that, but they were covered. For that I am quite thankful. It lends new meaning to "Thanksgiving". None of these larger "cracks" ceated oceans. Would't the bladder be responsible for that?

This is some weird activity going on here. This crack is 20 feet at the widest location. (I knew it was big but it didn't look that big.) Since it's first appearance in 2005 (call me crazy but I think it goes back farther than that), "some geologists believed then that it would spawn a new ocean." The rift has not been intensely studied (something else to be thankful for). You would think a giant crack like that could spawn some terrible things, but an ocean was not one of the choices I had in mind.

A new study among an international team of scientist, indicates a sea is in the future for this area. It is nearly the same as what goes on at the bottom of the ocean. The same rift activity is slowly parting the Red Sea. Holy Moses, we have got to stop this.

This is pretty graphic right here so don't let the kids read this. I will use exact quotes once again with selective parts left out to make it more amusing. "The rift tore open along its entire 35-mile length in just days. Then magma pushed up through the middle of the rift area and began "unzipping" the rift in both directions, the researchers explained in a statement today." Please don't let there be any more unzipping. How do we zip that thing back up?

"Such sudden large-scale events on land pose a much more serious hazard to populations living near the rift than would several smaller events" No kidding. With a crack like that, you folks better run for your life.

"The whole point of this study is to learn whether what is happening in Ethiopia is like what is happening at the bottom of the ocean where it's almost impossible for us to go," "We knew that if we could establish that, then Ethiopia would essentially be a unique and superb ocean-ridge laboratory for us. Because of the unprecedented cross-border association behind this research, we now know that the answer is yes, it is analogous." Do not snicker about the "bottom of the ocean and "anal"agous or "ass"ociation behind the research. I think this is a cryptic message.

We need to do the right thing and rid the world of this Ethipioian crack.

Till death do us part: Walmart.com selling caskets

Wal-Mart Stores Inc. is now catering to its shoppers' needs from cradle to grave.The world's largest retailer has introduced online sales of caskets, expanding a merchandise selection that spans engagement rings and baby gear to a new major milestone in its shoppers' lives. Shoppers can choose from the Lady de Guadalupe steel casket for $895 or a sienna bronze casket for $2,899.00.

Walmart.com spokesman Ravi Jariwala said it is selling the products as a "limited beta test" that launched within the last few weeks.Wal-Mart has been revamping its merchandise selection in stores and online to expand into categories it believes have high potential for growth.

The funeral service industry generates $11 billion in revenue a year, according to the National Funeral Directors Association. In 2007, the association said the U.S. death rate was 8.0 people per thousand, and that is expected to rise to 9.3 people per thousand by the year 2020.

The caskets do not qualify for Walmart.com's free site-to-store shipping program, where shoppers can buy an item online and have it shipped to a local store for free.
Instead, the website says the caskets require freight delivery to the shopper's preferred address. The estimated shipping cost for the sienna bronze casket is $99.
(Not bad for a metal casket. Is any assembly required?)

Picture this: Your loved one, who had a chronic condition (like living) had the foresight to pick out the casket and buy it from Walmart ahead of time. Maybe they were strange enough to even sleep in it or at least to scare the kids on Halloween. When your loved one passed on and it was time for final arrangements what do you tell the funeral home when they lead you to the casket gallery? "No thanks, we brought our own." Will they accept it or is it like the movies that allows no outside food or drinks so they can sell you theirs? And if that's the case, isn't that a good excuse for the next step...Walmart embalming services? Walmart crematorium? Walmart funeral services at the Walmart church? It won't be enough that funeral goers receive discount coupons for attending. Just doesn't seem right, does it?

Do You Know Jack $h!t?

Well, do you? I think I went to school with him, but I don't remember him too well. He was a smart ass.

With a streak of silver comes a streak of insanity. The older you get, the loonier you become, and there may be good reason for that. I discovered some really important stupid human facts that you probably did not know. First a sprig of gray hair, here and there that you barely notice. Then a line around your eyes and mouth from laughing that no else sees. Then insomnia.

It's not that I mind not sleeping; it is that I mind being awake. With age comes insomnia. We all have heard of "sleeping like a baby", but who ever heard of "sleeping like an old person"? The reason is the older you get, the less you sleep. Research indicates that insomniacs may move as many as seventy times. I am an insomniac, but I never moved anywhere near that much. I think somebody got insomniacs and gypsies confused. If it is true, I can explain part of it. You can't sleep in a strange place. If you move seventy times, every place is a strange place

Here is another thing you may notice. You cannot remember Jack $h!t and wonder where you heard his name. How many times have you walked into a room to do something and stared around blankly looking for any clue as to what your intentions were? You decide to quit looking because whatever it was has escaped you. You go back to what you were doing because it must not have been important. You go to the refrigerator and forget what you came for so you get something to drink. You drive along and suddenly forget where you are going and think you have missed the turn to some place. You go to the store to buy macaroni and forget exactly why you came so you buy cheese.

Aging and forgetfulness go together like Geritol and Sominex. I learned some important fact about aging and the human body that could help us all with this dreadful condition.

Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh an average of 17 times a day. Laughing keeps us healthy. One more important thing we forgot to do today! Maybe we should all get a tattoo on the top of our hand to remind us to laugh more often.

In a lifetime the average US resident eats more than 50 tons of food and drinks more than 13,000 gallons of liquid. No way! That would be close to a ton a year, close to 6 lbs a day. I don't think so. Not me. Rush Limbaugh got the entire allotment for LA for the next 76 years.

The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food. Yeah, that 50 tons of food that you ate nothing to do with that!

The sound of a snore (up to 69 decibels) can be almost as loud as the noise of a pneumatic drill. No wonder old people are deaf after 80 years of snoring when they do sleep.

Humans shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days - almost 1,000 new skins in a lifetime. We are the snakes of the mammal kingdom.

A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day. No wonder old people don't have much hair. Multiply that times the number days you lived, and that is a really big number and a lot of hair.

Three-hundred-million cells die in the human body every minute. Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour - about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average person will have lost 105 pounds of skin. No wonder old people keep getting smaller and smaller.

Consider this as well the next time you see a much smaller old person:

By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds. If that is true, why is Rush so fat? Oral fixation? The big cigars verify that.

Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies. Call the police, someone is stealing their little baby bones. By age 80, we'll be lucky to have a bone left.

By the time you turn 70, your heart will have beat some two-and-a-half billion times (figuring on an average of 70 beats per minute.) I want a dollar for every time.

If it were removed from the body, the small intestine would stretch to a length of 22feet. Well, Genius, put that back! That's a pretty lame experiment, if you ask me, to remove an intestine to see how long it was. It's like chopping down a giant Redwood to count the rings. I think the human brain has to be shrinking. Lets open the head and see how small the brain is.

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. I have nothing to say about this, but I don't think they need to wear a helmet for anything.

The human brain is about 85% water. Small wonder with that 13,000 gallons of water you drank!

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. I knew it was true for everyone else.

The largest human organ is the skin, with a surface area of about 25 square feet. I'll bet you guys were surprised to learn that skin is the largest organ. Skin really is an organ. But 25 square feet? I swear I do not have 25 square feet of skin. I am beginning to doubt the validity of my own research.

Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people. Does that logically mean the more hair you have, the more fun? People used to say bald guys were more virile. It was mostly bald guys who said that. I have no idea whether that one is true or not.

According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches. Guys, we are not asking for verification of this fact. We do not need to. We'll ask the girls who have more fun. We will also ask them about the bald guys, too.

Now, back to the subject of Jack $h!t. "I worked with Jack $h!t, I knew Jack $h!t, Jack $h!t was a friend of mine. You are no Jack $h!t." I told you I knew him.

Buns and Barbs 1st annual Best of the Net B.S. Awards

I’ve been noticing a lot of “Best of the Net Awards” being proclaimed. It sounds impressive until you do a little research. Just who are proclaiming these awards? Editors of blogs and ezines mostly, some more impressive than others and some not the least impressive, I dare say. So in the same spirit of pomposity we are announcing the Buns and Barbs 1st annual Best of the Net B.S. Awards. We will be looking mainly at humorous blogs that poke good natured fun at the ridiculous aspects of our culture that perhaps stimulate us re-think who we are as a nation.

We don’t want to miss any great blogs so feel free to nominate any blog you feel is appropriate for the catagory by sending a live link to bunsandbarbs@gmail.com
Winners will be announced on November 30th. Send in your nominations as soon as possible.

The Invasion of The Body Snatchers - This Is What Happens When You Get Past 40

Are you over 40? Have you looked at all the friends you have known for at least 20 years and thought, "Who are those old people?" It is happening to me on a regular basis. I could not be approximately the same age as them, they are old. What happened to those vivacious, slim, handsome, fun-loving, young people we used to know? Where did they all go? A lot of them joined up with the other side is what happened.

This was the group that used to party all night long, rocked until daylight, trekked long distances to see the Rolling Stones, U2, Fleetwood Mac, the Who, Bruce Springsteen, and Billy Idol. We went to three day concerts, suffered heat strokes together, went on road trips, and thumbed our noses (actually we gave the finger) at the establishment. We dared each other with beer bongs and other vices (vicier vices than beer bongs). We cared about the environment and doing the right thing for all humans, which was peace and equality. With age, some of my friends became more conservative. Now, I find many from this bunch have "gone rogue", they joined the other team. They are anti-equality, anti-healthcare, anti-immigrant, antisocial, and just plan weird. They are the ones we used to complain about, the ones who sacrificed the environment for short-term gain, who started and kept wars going, who sided with big business over individual rights. Now, they have a superiorty complex, are pro-wealthcare, pro-war and have forgotten what it is to be on the side that’s losing. They forgot who they were. Look y’all, I got your names, addresses, and phone numbers. I know who you really are.

Here is what I think happened to these people, the Body Snatchers got them! The Body Snatchers replaced them with a bunch of weird old people that I do not know nor like. They do, however, vaquely resemble the people I used to know. The Body Snatchers stole their personalities and made them cynical. They stole their taut young bodies and replaced them with wrinkled, saggy ones. They took their values and replaced those with weak saggy ones, too. They took their minds and made them bitter, prejudiced, less tolerant and less than kind. They took their eyes full of youth and hope and repaced them with tired, weary worn eyes. I don’t want a bunch of old crazy people with a few young ones, I want the people back I used to know.


I liked the ones who stood up when it mattered, the ones who had fire in their eyes and passion in their hearts, the ones who knew who "The Boss" is. Now some of them have poor vision, quadruple bypasses and heartburn. They used to believe in looking out for the weaker among us, hated disco, and loved their fellow human regardless of race or religion, so long as he or she did not like disco music. Problems were solved by beer bashes and camaraderie. I liked guys who shook hands that funny way and wore leather straps around their wrists. I liked Billy Idol because he knew what “Little sister” had done. I know too. Believe me, she did. Seems like me and Billy are the only ones who remember now. He probably remembers because he wrote it down.

I was with some other friends who are hardcore "young" people recently at a cookout. I thought these friends did not get old. Our values were still intact. We still liked to rock and roll. We began taking photos which was a big mistake. We should not have done that. We looked at them on the computer. Another mistake. One friend said, "All I see is a bunch of old people." I said, “I thought we were all young and good looking until I saw that. Now I am depressed. When did y’all get so old?"

Then I realized, we were not old. Everything was still right where it always was. Values, belief system, political views, yep, we were young!

I refuse to go to any reunion of any kind because I am afraid of the Body Snatchers. I do not want to see how people have aged and changed values since I last saw them. I will not attend any high school or college reunion to find out no one became a US President, an astronaut, a nuclear physicist, world renowned heart surgeon, or a top movie star. As long as I don't know, I can believe they are all leading exotic lives, doing incredible things in research and technology that benefit the future of mankind. I can't handle the truth.

If only I had figured the Body Snatchers out early on. I could have saved so many. I would have found a reason to look under their beds and found the pod person growing there and got rid of it. We would have devised a plan to protect our other friends and got rid of the "pod" people who took over their lives. It is happening at an astounding rate. Haven't you run into someone you used to know and were shocked by how old he was? "Pod" people got to him.

Look under you beds. If there is a pod growing, you will be old in a few days unless you follow my advice. Believe me I have seen it many times. Drag it out into the yard and destroy it. This is a warning to all you young people; they can and will get you if you are not careful. The Body Snatchers are relentless. They try to catch me at every turn, but I manage to stay a few steps ahead. You can too. If they get you, your vision instantly goes bad, develop health conditions, get conservative, and old rock and roll becomes a noise rather than a joy. Remember being young, it kills the "pod" people.

There are several clues that the Body Snatchers got you and are truly growing old.
1. You hate all the new music.
2. You hate all the new clothes.
3. You hate all the new ideas, political and otherwise.
4. You do not remember being young, idealistic, and in love.
5. The big one is "I don't understand the kids these days."

Guess what? I do like the new music. I like the new clothing. I am pro-stem cell research, pro-green, and for marriage between any two people who want to marry. I want peace on earth and a cleaner environment. I want universal healthcare. I remember being young. I am still idealistic and in love. I don't understand most of the people my age anymore. What the hell happened to y'all?

I know there are more out there just like me and a few of my friends. I want to find them. Some of us are still the people we always knew we were. We are still twenty-something at heart, just a few wrinkles and a few grey hairs to show how far we have come. Get young again, and don't let the Body Snatchers get you.