Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Holiday Menu: Tofucken and Yoohoo Wine

Some people’s eating habits get on my nerves. I don’t know why people eat artificially engineered crap that is a substitute for some real food. Fake sugar is the biggest joke ever played. What is the deal with that shit? If you eat so much sugar that you need to substitute fake sugar that is calorie-free, lay off the fucking sugar. If you eat so much that it makes you fat, using artificial sugar ain’t gonna make you thin. Closing the mouth will. If you use sugar free substitutes due to cavities and tooth decay, again, stop with the sugar! I recently read an article that indicated artificial sweetener made people gain weight. If you are a diabetic maybe it is okay. I know their sugar level has to be carefully monitored but use the real stuff and avoid the real stuff as required.

Then there is milk. There are many substitutes for whole milk. Why do people use skim milk for anything? It tastes like crap and is not fit to drink. It’s okay for cooking but with real eggs and butter, skim milk makes no sense at all. Then you got your soy milk for lactose intolerance. I have given this considerable thought. How do you milk a soy?

Then there is gluten free bread. Why? If you have a problem with bread, avoid it. Altered food is not good for you either. And canned biscuits? Who thought of putting biscuits in a can? Isn’t that sort of like potted meat? What does potted mean? Plants are potted. What kind of meat is it? Potteds are not rare animals, apparently, but I believe it is something with hooves. And Spam is what exactly? No one knows. It is top secret confidential information that I am going to reveal. It is meat flavored crap.
Then you’ve got instant mashed potatoes. What is so hard about boiling potatoes? It’s all you have to do and add a little salt, milk and butter. Then squish it all together!

Aerosol cheese in a can is the height of stupidity. Europeans make fun of us for this. Are we so impatient that we cannot wait for the cheese to warm up to spread? Some cheese is not meant to spread. It is to be eaten in chunks. Besides, it embarrasses me to say the words Cheese Whiz.

And white chocolate? That is a total fraud! There is no chocolate in there. It’s like milk chocolate only without the chocolate. They could have called it “milk”, but that name was already taken. So, it had no name at all. Then some idiot goof they put in charge of naming things called it “white chocolate”.

Now, we also have water enhancer. What the hell is that? I am giving it to my fish and putting it in my pool and commode. Only the finest, enhanced water is good enough for my fish and plumbing. I mean, seriously folks, what was so wrong with water that we had to enhance it?

Then they have the near beer. It tastes like beer but it has no alcohol. Why drink fake beer? Get some beer flavored water enhancer and add water.

You know what else they have invented? Chocolate red wine! Why? Do you have to combine flavors on everything? Who thinks of these things and why? It’s the Yoohoo of wines. Now that is a title.
Not only do they have fake sugar, they have fake salt, and fake creamer. I hear margarine is a molecule away from plastic. That’s a little too close for me. Butter is fine as is. Milk is fine. Sugar is fine. Potatoes are fine. Bread is fine. All that fake shit is enough to make you sick. Don’t eat it. If you don’t know what it is and where it came from, for God’s sake, don’t ingest it.

Then with the holiday coming, there is tofu turkey. Why make some crap up that is like a turkey but isn’t? Imitating meat is a lousy idea. Why not make one of play-doh? It says on the container it is non-toxic and the kids will have fun preparing the whole meal. The turducken makes more sense. For those of you who do not know, a turducken is a chicken stuffed inside a duck inside a turkey. For our holiday, because we are a family who appreciates following through with lunatic ideas, we are having tofucken and some of that Yoohoo wine!


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