Halloween Is All Tricks and No Treats

For the first time in years, I am looking forward to Halloween. Halloween has always been a creepy holiday. I don't like the idea that all the dead saints are walking around begging for candy. Why do dead saints want candy? Don’t they know it’s bad for the teeth and packs on the pounds?

Halloween was always an obligation to buy 20 -30 pounds of candy to give out to complete strangers that do not live on my street or in my neighborhood. It seemed an odd thing to open a door to people I do not know, wearing masks, carrying large bags, and demanding candy. The really weird thing is everyone is doing it. It is a most bizarre, not too smart idea. Behind those masks could be robbers or worse. They might be crazed killers, or worst of all, candy-hording giants.

Halloween trick or treaters are in for a surprise this year from me. Every year the group is getting older and taller. They aren’t young children. I swear some of them have full beards or built like Dolly Parton, and it ain’t no costume. Last Halloween, I told a trick or treater that we are not giving out beer or Quaaludes. This year with the economy worsening, there will be more candy panhandlers than usual. Everyone is cutting back on luxuries and that includes Milky Ways, Snickers, and m&ms. We all do what we must.

This Halloween, I decided to have a trick rather than a treat. I am cleaning out my cabinets and medicine cabinet and giving it away. I am handing out Rolaids, travel size toothpaste, dental floss, aspirin and anything else I might find. They are demanding a trick or a treat. This year, they get a trick, no treat.

Can you imagine the conversation?
Stranger 1: “What did you get? I got a Tum and a toothpick.”
Stranger 2: “She gave me a Cert and a little bottle of Scope.”
Stranger 3: “She likes you better. She gave me a band aid and roll of gauze.”
Stranger 4: “Can I have your gauze? She gave me adhesive tape and burn ointment.”
Stranger 5: “I got a tampon and sun tan lotion.”
Stranger 6: "Why did she give me Ex-Lax and Pepto Bismol? Which one do I take first?"

Just to play it safe as an added precaution for the adult trick or treaters, I will question them whether they have ulcers or high blood pressure before I give the Advil and cough syrup. I will also check their blood pressure to make them think I know what I am doing. Some will get a foil pack of Alka-Seltzers and xeroxed copies of the sale at the nearest liquor store.

As my supply wears thin, I will turn to condiments. I will be giving out salt, pepper, ketchup, mustard, soy sauce, creamer, packets of sugar and sporks. So come early to get the really good stuff. Breath mints and band aids won’t last all night.