Why do I always feel the need to explain that I am not making this stuff up? It's because it's too wild to be real, that's why. Nobody could make this up anyway. Get this, Russia has six active volcanoes. That means they are rumbling and spewing all at the same time.
You say: Huh? Where did you say? Russia? Six? No way!
I say: Yes, way!
Who knew Russia even had volcanoes, much less six of them going at once? I think this was once top secret information. Now, we all know. It sounds like Hell to me.
Six Volcanoes over Russia. I think I went to that amusement park when I was a kid, only then it was make-believe volcanoes and make-believe Russia. No less than six. mind you, Kamchatka volcanoes exhibit activity simultaneously for the first time in sixty years. Let me tell you people, this is scary. We just got over the largest eclipse for this century. The Arctic ice pack melted this summer to its third-smallest size on record, up slightly from the low points of the past two years but continuing an overall shrinking trend symptomatic of climate change. Well, let me be he first to say, this ain't natural.
I've seen a volcano. It is actually pretty cool. It smelled of sulphur and like burned match heads. I know, beyond all scientific doubt, that this is precisely what Hell smells like. It looked like hell too. No plant life and lava fields that stretched seemingly forever. It was a moonscape with smouldering and hissing. Like I said it was pretty cool.
I will try to explain what is happening as delicately and simply as possible so that we all may understand. Are you paying careful attention? We are all going to die! We are all going to Hell with Russia taking the first step! Run for your lives! Go some place, any place besides Hell!
Think about it, what are the odds of this happening at all? Probably very minute, so tiny in fact, that a flea would have to use a microscope to see it. That's right, fleas have microscopes. What is the probability it would be "6" volcanoes? Why not 4 or 23, but 6? You all see where I am going with this, right? The sign of the beast. Russia is Hell and is about to unleash the beast.
What we have to recognize is that someone is responsible for this and I don't mean "the Man Upstairs". I mean the man or men downstairs. I mean Putin. Everyone knew the Russians are responsible, but you know who else is? Kim Jong Il, the crazy little bastard in North Korea ( or CLBINK).
You say: Why is he doing this?
And I say: Let me try to explain it. I didn't even know Russia had volcanoes until I found out they had six going off at once, turning the country into Hell. There is one reason and one reason only. Russia and North Korea are trying to make their way into Guinness Book of World Records. Those Russians and CLBINK will do anything to get in the Guinness Book. It is a "world" record as opposed to being a feat of human or animal endurance or spectacle, like the tiniest flea microscope. There is a separate book for that. Also, it is the ultimate world's record. Kim Jong Il is so obsessed with getting some recognition as a powerful and righteous dude that he has unchained all the nuclear reactions he could muster to start six volcanoes simultaneously. You got to admit that is a pretty impresssive feat on a world-class level. That's alot of nuclear reactions. I am not sure, but I think they made The Guinness Book. In my book, they did. Six at one time in one country is a lot!
So I hope I have explained that Russia is Hell and Kim Jong Il is the beast and we are all going to die because of it. It's for the sake of Guinness Book of World Records. Get out the sunblock and prepare for the end! Take all the money and buy whatever makes you happy for the short run, a Ferrari, :), Cheesecake :) :) and, Skitttles:) or Jack Daniels, I mean the distillery not a bottle. It is about enjoying our last days. In preparation for the upcoming downward spiral, I would also recommend buying as much cold beer as possible. You can't be too prepared! We're gonna need it. And don't forget the aluminum foil and duct tape, lots of Kleenex, too.