English May Be Dangerous for Your Health

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 
 
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...  
 
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:  Eat and drink what you like.  Apparently Speaking English is what kills you.

How to Live Forever

Pass to all 60 yrs and older. Cardiovascular Exercise

The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine.

This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!


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That's enough for the first day. Great Job! Have a glass of wine.

Reasons Why You Should Think Before You Speak

FIRST TESTIMONY:  I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and  Asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'  I turned around and walked back out and never went back.  My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.    SECOND TESTIMONY:  I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I  Was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for  Several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen  Who worked at the store. He asked if he could help me.  Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing  With men's balls'    THIRD TESTIMONY:  My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a  Variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the  Boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.  I replied, ' No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'  My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned  Beet-red and walked away.  To this day, my sister has never let me forget.  LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:  This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very  Embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think  Before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get  Any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed  To have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and  Asked:  'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'  Not only did Bob have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they  Were laughing so hard!  Now, didn't that feel good?

5-Minute Management Course

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob , after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs..

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.




Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand.. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.




Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients..'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at t he top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.




Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3 ) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


Author Unknown

A Fantastic New Miracle Drug - This is not bullshit

As a duty to our loyal readers, we try to stay abreast of new de-velopments in the field of medicine. You people will not believe the latest. I will try to qualify this statement by saying in all truth and sincerity, I am not making this up! Although, it does sound like one of my wild stories, it is real. Latest news indicates that the dye used in the blue m&m's, outside of making them pretty, "may also shine as a possible treatment for traumatic spinal injuries". Notice the quotes, I actually learned and read about this. They injected white rats with this same blue dye and noticed an improvement. They were able to walk again. It should be noted they had a limp.

I have several questions about the use of white mice. Did they use white because the blue would not look right with your standard brown mouse? How did these mice acquire these traumatic spinal conditions? It could not be accidental. In my whole life, I have never seen a mouse with any traumatic spinal injury. Somebody did this. Are Dick Cheney's old torturers finding new work abusing white rats? Methinks I smell a bigger rat torturing the smaller one. It probably is not the same as water boarding, but I am willing to bet it is still gratifying work for these guys. Back to the point, blue m&m's cure spinal injuries. Who knew?

One of the side effects of these injections is that the mice turned blue. I think that is about the coolest thing ever. A healed blue mouse walking around with a limp! If these guys are so smart, why don't they give the mice a cane or a crutch? That would make me happy to no end to see a bunch of blue mice walking around with crutches. Try to get a mental picture here and you will laugh your ass off. If the torturer feels the need to strike again, blue mice or rats with a limp using a cane would not be hard to find.

What if they injected people with this same blue dye? I can see it now, a rehabilitation hospital full of blue people who can walk. If I regained the ability to walk I would not mind being blue, although, I might change my name to Smurfina. If I got a tan, would I turn a darker blue like navy? It is summer and I cannot help but wonder. In winter, would I get a paler blue skin color? It might look festive for the holidays. Either way it is a win-win situation. I had been feeling a back ache and decided to try the blue m&m's. After picking out only blue in a pound bag, I am improved. Now I can dance!

Isn't it nice to see an "intellectual" story coming from me that does not involve aluminum foil and duct tape? I swear this is true. So if you see any blue mice or rats with a cane, lend a hand. They are on the road to recovery. Go blue!


*This applies to both Jose and Ted.

Great Eclipse and Mind Control - the Real Connection

After the Great Eclipse, we learned there was a massive earthquake that moved New Zealand closer to Australia by 12 inches on July 15. Something that should have taken hundred of years took seconds. We were not told this info until after the Great Eclipse. That's a pretty hot piece of information to be sitting on if you ask me. As everything was lining up for this eclipse, geographical shifts took place and resulted in the largest earthquake this year, a 7.8. Prior to that in May, a 7.1 earthquake in Honduras and Belize toppled homes killing people. A 6.0 earthquake rattled China. Also in China, many people (hundreds) were killed in riots in July. Tens of thousands were arrested due to these riots. We know what arrest means in China. That's the last we'll see of these folks. Thank God David Sirota got out of China before the Great Eclipse. Some of this preceded the Eclipse and some came after it. The important thing is, it surrounded it. North Korea conducted a nuclear bomb blast that was the equivalent of a 4.1 earthquake. Mere coincidence. Are you people frigging nuts?

I have the inside scoop n what really happened. That crazy little bastard in North Korea (in the future he will be referred to as CLBINK), in an attempt to blow the moon from the sky, caused the eclipse and all these massive earthquakes, followed by riots. The people could not help but riot. What else are you going to do when the Great Eclipse was coming? You blame someone. If China had calmly handed out aluminum foil and duct tape, the Chinese variety of foil and tape would have been just fine, to all it's citizens, at least the rioting could have been avoided. Mr Kim Jong Il or crazy little bastard in North Korea (or CLBINK) used mind control to start thees riots. As he sought to blow the moon from the sky, he altered it's course causing the eclipse. He peppered these particles of explosives with mind altering rays. Foil over the brain would have solved all the problems. Everyone knows they cannot penetrate the psyche as long as you cover your head with aluminum foil. They cannot tell what you are thinking either. This radiation may be absorbed by the skin so wrapping the entire body would not allow any of these mind control rays to penetrate.

Einstein proved this with his theory of relativity, loosely stated, if a CLBINK tries mind control radiation bombs relatively close to the our hemisphere, foil relatively close to the brain prevents it from penetrating. Didn't you guys learn this stuff in elementary physics class? It is a basic principle of science. E=mc2 . The energy from a bomb big enough to alter the course of the moon results in mind control squared.

This mind control and radiation experiment also went on in this country although we were no where near the bomb or eclipse. The CLBINK was messing with our Chinese and Korean made light bulbs. How many of you walked into a room over the last month and found a light on that you thought you turned off? See! You did turn it off, it's the CLBINK. The light bulbs were giving off that same radiation. With a master switch in North Korea, the CLBINK can turn them on or off any time he wants. Check all your light bulbs. Only buy American made ones. The people who made them were forced to put this radiation inside (mind control). You guys really thought you were in control of your lights too, but us "enlightened" few, if you will excuse the expression, know the real story.

Countless lives in this country were saved by people wrapping themselves in foil and duct tape. No thanks is necessary. Do not take it off yet, although, in the heat of July wrapped in foil, you may start to smell like a Thanksgiving turkey. Keep it on until we get the all-clear from the federal government. I have to keep re-wrapping my three gold fish. They keep slipping out. I do not want my sweet goldfish to turn into killing piranhas or start rioting as mind control sets in. My dog walking around in foil looks like a robot. I changed his name to Astro. If you have teenage children and they are acting strangely, wrap their heads in foil and do not allow them to leave home without it. Teenagers acting strangely is the first sign that his radiation bomb is working.

All citizens, be on alert. There is a new kind of war, Mind Control. Wear your foil and duct tape and if necessary protective goggles. I will be happy to sell some $10 goggles for $29.95plus shipping and handling at your request. We don't want our eyes to trick us either. Now I am worried about our ears. They are planting subliminal messages in our music and news. Listen to nothing nor no one. (I think that was a triple negative possibly illegal in the English language) Perhaps, I am under their influence. It's the end of the world. Run underground! Save yourselves but don't forget the foil and duct tape!

To my friend in Spain, I know you get the message!