Sunday, November 17, 2013

The Last of the Red Hot Sexters

I don’t know why I never thought of it before.  Someone should have.  Am I the last living practical joker in the country?

My friend and I were discussing ways to hide identities in our contact lists on our cell phones so no one would ever actually know the names associated with the numbers.  There is the possibility of losing our cell phones and we could  simply try to keep it private when someone calls.  We thought of assigning names like Bud or BFF for our contacts so that if anyone accidentally picked up our phone, our lists could not possibly be decoded.   If the cell phone is accessed, there is much information to be gathered like where home is, who “mom” is, our email connections, Facebook acquaintances and log ons etc.   Then we got to wondering out loud like we always do.  What if we changed our names to someone very cool?  What if I changed my husband’s name to Brad Pitt?   It would be great to get calls from Brad Pitt regularly and call him whenever I liked.  What if I changed “home” to Madison Square Gardens or the White House?  What if she changed her work number to Ford Modeling Agency?  What if we changed our names on each other’s phones to something clever like Lucy Ricardo and Ethel Mertz?  Then we decided to use only living character because the alternative was a dead giveaway (pun intended).  

Now, in my list of contacts, instead of Bart, I have Steven Spielberg.  In the place of home, I have CBS Studios – Craig Ferguson.  Instead of Linda, I have Margaret Thatcher.  Instead of a son, I have Agent 007. Instead of a boyfriend, she has George Clooney.  Her sister in law is the Duchess of Cambridge.  Betty White is now my aunt.   One of my closest friends with an ordinary name is now Lindsay Lohan.  She should thank me.  I shaved 30 years off her age.  My old boss is now “Q”.  We made a list of characters and went about changing names and tried to be methodical so that Gary on each of our phones was  now Sam Sheppard. My friend Ellen acquired a new last name, Ellen Degeneris. My friend, Mike became Miley Cyrus.   He got an income increase, a sex change, and lost 30 years all by simply changing his name.   Sean is now Sean Connery.  On the bright side, he got a boost in income, character, but added almost 30 years.   Tradeoffs had to be made. 
My friend, now known as Gloria Estefan, listed the most important person in her life which is her son as “God”.  Now she gets calls from God.   She has the audacity to let it ring several times before she answers.  I think a call from God should be answered on the first ring, but that is just me.

We were quite impressed with our all-star list of contacts.  As my own little joke to myself, I changed my doctor’s name to Dr. Kevorkian.   The school is now Folsom Prison.   My husband’s work place is NASA Control Center.  We had a lark changing and updating names as we polished off a bottle of rum, even adding Cap’n Morgan in there as a name for a mutual friend.   We spent hours thinking of cool names as we encoded our directories.   Yes, we do have time to waste on nonsense like this.

The inevitable happened.  Dan Rather is calling, and I don’t know who the hell it is, but I put Hillary Clinton on hold to take it.  Michelle Obama texted asking if we were still on for lunch.    We might be if I could remember who she is.  I missed a call from the Duchess of Cambridge and have a message from Mr. Spock.   Adam Ant leaves texts for me to call him at home.   I would if I knew who it was.  Bart Simpson is calling and I think it is the real one.  He leaves texts saying "I will not cut corners" with a million ditto marks underneath it. 

I don’t know who is calling anymore as I forgot who they were originally.  But if I need a little ego boost, all I have to do is look at my call list.  Bill Clinton called twice yesterday, and Johnny Depp sexted me.

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