Thursday, October 29, 2009
Do You Know Jack $h!t?
Well, do you? I think I went to school with him, but I don't remember him too well. He was a smart ass.
With a streak of silver comes a streak of insanity. The older you get, the loonier you become, and there may be good reason for that. I discovered some really important stupid human facts that you probably did not know. First a sprig of gray hair, here and there that you barely notice. Then a line around your eyes and mouth from laughing that no else sees. Then insomnia.
It's not that I mind not sleeping; it is that I mind being awake. With age comes insomnia. We all have heard of "sleeping like a baby", but who ever heard of "sleeping like an old person"? The reason is the older you get, the less you sleep. Research indicates that insomniacs may move as many as seventy times. I am an insomniac, but I never moved anywhere near that much. I think somebody got insomniacs and gypsies confused. If it is true, I can explain part of it. You can't sleep in a strange place. If you move seventy times, every place is a strange place
Here is another thing you may notice. You cannot remember Jack $h!t and wonder where you heard his name. How many times have you walked into a room to do something and stared around blankly looking for any clue as to what your intentions were? You decide to quit looking because whatever it was has escaped you. You go back to what you were doing because it must not have been important. You go to the refrigerator and forget what you came for so you get something to drink. You drive along and suddenly forget where you are going and think you have missed the turn to some place. You go to the store to buy macaroni and forget exactly why you came so you buy cheese.
Aging and forgetfulness go together like Geritol and Sominex. I learned some important fact about aging and the human body that could help us all with this dreadful condition.
Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh an average of 17 times a day. Laughing keeps us healthy. One more important thing we forgot to do today! Maybe we should all get a tattoo on the top of our hand to remind us to laugh more often.
In a lifetime the average US resident eats more than 50 tons of food and drinks more than 13,000 gallons of liquid. No way! That would be close to a ton a year, close to 6 lbs a day. I don't think so. Not me. Rush Limbaugh got the entire allotment for LA for the next 76 years.
The average person releases nearly a pint of intestinal gas by flatulence every day. Most is due to swallowed air. The rest is from fermentation of undigested food. Yeah, that 50 tons of food that you ate nothing to do with that!
The sound of a snore (up to 69 decibels) can be almost as loud as the noise of a pneumatic drill. No wonder old people are deaf after 80 years of snoring when they do sleep.
Humans shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days - almost 1,000 new skins in a lifetime. We are the snakes of the mammal kingdom.
A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day. No wonder old people don't have much hair. Multiply that times the number days you lived, and that is a really big number and a lot of hair.
Three-hundred-million cells die in the human body every minute. Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour - about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average person will have lost 105 pounds of skin. No wonder old people keep getting smaller and smaller.
Consider this as well the next time you see a much smaller old person:
By age sixty, most people have lost half of their taste buds. If that is true, why is Rush so fat? Oral fixation? The big cigars verify that.
Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies. Call the police, someone is stealing their little baby bones. By age 80, we'll be lucky to have a bone left.
By the time you turn 70, your heart will have beat some two-and-a-half billion times (figuring on an average of 70 beats per minute.) I want a dollar for every time.
If it were removed from the body, the small intestine would stretch to a length of 22feet. Well, Genius, put that back! That's a pretty lame experiment, if you ask me, to remove an intestine to see how long it was. It's like chopping down a giant Redwood to count the rings. I think the human brain has to be shrinking. Lets open the head and see how small the brain is.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair. I have nothing to say about this, but I don't think they need to wear a helmet for anything.
The human brain is about 85% water. Small wonder with that 13,000 gallons of water you drank!
The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is. I knew it was true for everyone else.
The largest human organ is the skin, with a surface area of about 25 square feet. I'll bet you guys were surprised to learn that skin is the largest organ. Skin really is an organ. But 25 square feet? I swear I do not have 25 square feet of skin. I am beginning to doubt the validity of my own research.
Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people. Does that logically mean the more hair you have, the more fun? People used to say bald guys were more virile. It was mostly bald guys who said that. I have no idea whether that one is true or not.
According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record measures 13 inches. The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches. Guys, we are not asking for verification of this fact. We do not need to. We'll ask the girls who have more fun. We will also ask them about the bald guys, too.
Now, back to the subject of Jack $h!t. "I worked with Jack $h!t, I knew Jack $h!t, Jack $h!t was a friend of mine. You are no Jack $h!t." I told you I knew him.