Friday, November 13, 2009

In 1,132 days, the World Will End.

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As a frequent reader of the really weird news and follower of lunatic cults, I think I can guarantee beyond all doubt, the world will end December 21,2012, at 12:21 pm. I even assigned the exact time. I am a seer. I foresaw the assassination of JFK, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the failure of Beanie Babies futures, that New Coke was a dud, and Bush would go to war in the Middle East. In all fairness, I have to admit it was at least 30 years after the fact when I saw Oliver Stone's movie, "JFK". But I still foresaw it. My timing was just a little off. The rest is almost true and some of it was a no brainer.

I don't agree with all that solar and lunar line up crap, it has to do with numbers. 12/21/2012. Why do all those numbers have 1,2,0? They are the devil's numbers, that's why. All this could have been avoided if we had added a 13th month. There are thirteen lunar cycles in a year and we could have had 13 months of 28 days one left over for good luck that we don't count. It could and should have been a National, no Universal Holiday (to hell with the other planets and their holidays). After the 13th month and before the first month of the new year, we could have "Happy 365th Day!" BUT NO! Somebody had to go mucking with the calendars and assign 12 months with random numbers of days per month. Who the hell's idea was that, anyway?

I don't quite understand the logic there. Simply look at 1,2,0. These numbers are inherently evil. They can't help it. Look at 1st,2nd,10th,11th, and 12th months. They are January, February, October, November and December. These are mean months. They are cold months. They are not nice and friendly like the 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th,7th 8th , and 9th months (March, April, May June July August and September). JFK died in the 11th month. Coincidence, I don't think so? Winter comes in December, coincidence again? The end of the world comes 12/21/2010. You head is full of glue if you are not scared by now!

Everything dies in winter. I suppose you think that is a coincidence too. These months are also flu season, too. Another coincidence? No plant life except evergreens survive these killing months. The ancient calendar makers did not know about evergreeens. That's why we use them as Christmas trees. That was a holy plan.

Why do we allow a new day to start at 12:00? Who's idea was that? It's those evil numbers again. It should start at 24 o'clock. Who said we divide the days into two sets of twelve. (note the "2" sets of "12" hours). Now, that's crazy or evil or the devils work. What about that daylight savings time? We set the clocks "1" hour ahead and fall "1" hour back. See the pattern developing with the 1's here. Pure unadulterated evil!

All this 1,2,0 crap might have been the work of a few crazy, ancient Mayans who made calendars for hundreds of years in advance. Were they afraid they would forget Aunt Martha's 984th birthday? You don't have to make a calendar hundreds of years in advance. I won't use that creepy calendar. I use the Irish Leprechaun Calendar. It is reliable, has lucky days, and good drinking days marked well in advance so that you have no need for a horoscope. I am Irish so I can say that.

I called a calendar manufacturer and asked them which days were lucky and good for drinking. They did not know. And they call themselves calendar manufacturers! I asked them to send me a calendar for 2089. You won't believe this! They did not have one, not a single one. It's because they know the world ends in 2012. These people are not stupid.

There are but three hopes for humanity and I doubt we can get everyone to go along with either.

One solution is: If we changed the numbers 1,2,0,11,12,10 to abstract signs like those symbols that the artist formerly know as Prince uses, we could solve the problem. All the months would be nice and friendly. We couldn't pronounce them but they would be nice months.

Solution 2: Use the Irish Leprechaun Calendar. We need all the lucky days and drinking days we can get. It makes a hell of a lot more sense than that creepy Mayan Calendar, who are a devil's cult and trying to kill us off thousands of years later.

Solution3: Use 13 months and 28 days per month and "Happy 365 Day" which is very similar to the Irish Leprechaun Calendar.

There are several things we should do to plan for the end. I plan to get my hair cut and highlighted 12/20/2010, charge a beautiful new oufit, shoes, and jewelry. I plan on drinking, eating high cholestrol foods and living like there is no tomorrow. It could be quite liberating.

Now that I have argued that point, I will counterpoint. It is a f$#@ing calendar. Calendars do not make predicitions. They have no psychic ability. They are measuring devices for scheduling. A yard stick ends at 36 inches. Run for your lives! Anyone taller than 3 feet will be considered closer to death. December 21 was the end of the Mayan Year. What other time would you end a calendar? As far as making calendars ahead of time, they did it for several hundred hundred years. That is enough. Larry, the Mayan calendar maker thought he had done it far enough in advance. If you looked at a friend's calendar and saw they made it up until their birthday, would you assume the world ends on their birthday? If you believe the world will end December 21, 2012, you probably would believe that, too.

I do not know how to tell you folks, this but do you know what follows December 21,2010? December 22, 2010 and so on up until 3038 when the world really ends. I am sticking around until then to say, I told you so!

1 comment:

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