Monday, July 20, 2009

Solar Eclipse Spooks Millions - Largest Eclipse of 21st Century

The larget eclipse of the 21st century is coming and will be viewed in the Eastern hemisphere. News articles report that people are expecting terrifying results due to this eclipse. Grab the babies and hide them. Put Grandma in the cellar and cover your heads with aluminum foil. I am urging all citizens of the planet to buy enough aluminum foil to successfully wrap and duct tape every family member before it is too late. Doing it to the pets is also advisable. I will pay $5 for an actual video of someone successfully wrapping a live cat in aluminum foil and duct taping it for protection from the coming Great Eclipse.* No animals should be harmed in the wrapping and taping of said cats. Warning! Persian Cats are extremely vulnerable as well as Siamese Cats since it is an Asian eclipse.

They are predicting violence and turmoil. One astronomer predicted the eclipse will cause wars, instability and natural disasters for the next several months. As if we needed an eclipse for that! Mankind has been pretty good at that for centuries without help from the sun. Though not an astronomer, nor have I had any classes, I have, on occasion, looked at my horoscope and feel I am qualified to make some predictions on the coming of the Great Eclipse. There will be great wars, oops, already going on. There will be great famine, a little late on that call. Anyone heard of Africa? There will be plague that kills millions, What does HIV stand for? I know it killed plenty. There will be pestilence! We got rid of Bush, but I am sure there is an equally dangerous pest somewhere in the world, maybe North Korea.

Uh oh! the eclipse will be visible over Asia. North Korea is in Asia. I don't think it's an eclipse at all. I think it's that sneaky North Korean dude, Kim Jong Il blocking the sun and they are telling us it's an eclipse. We, the unknowing, are going to be bombarded by nuclear particles as Kim Jong Il tries to blow the sun from the sky. I am telling you he is trying to block the sun so that we all will die. We will freeze in July. He will have his protective mini-sun and manage to save himself and his faithful in North Korea but the rest of us are goners. Who knew he could block out the sun? The Bush Administration should have seen this coming. I also suspect the Dinnerjacket fellow in Iran of co-plotting. Coincidence again, Asia? I think not. Mr Dinnerjacket the newly and "fairly" elected president of Iran causes instability by his mere existence. Between the crazy leaders of Iran and North Korea, no wonder there is an eclipse over Asia. It probably would have been over us if we still had Bush as president. Lunatic fringe groups unite, we believe in equal opportunity for eclipses. Just because we got rid of Bush does not mean we don't deserve an eclipse too. We still got a bunch of nut cases running around our country. There's Sara Palin, that Boehner fellow that makes all those assinine statements, that South Carolina governor that has a true love in Argentina but will stay with his wife out of duty, the crazy governor of Texas that wants to secede, the crazy Catherine Bach, who is the royal highness of crazy ideas, and Dick Cheney is still out there. No telling what he is up to, but on eclipse day, do not go hunting with him or be near water.

Come on folks this is so cool. The largest eclipse of the 21st century and we're only at 2009. I wish I could travel to see it firsthand. Damn the wars, pestilence, plague, and instability! I'm going. If I do something crazy while there, the world was told before hand, I had no intention. The eclipse made me do it!

*Offer expires at midnight


Anonymous said...

next Nostradamus, run ¡¡¡¡



There was a coupon in most newpapers for aluminum foil on Sunday prior to the eclipse. Coincidence, I don't think so. It's a subtle way to prepare us. We need to determine approximately how much foil is required per person depending upon weight and height (such as a square foot per pound) and how many feet of duct tape per pound. Mathematians need to get involved too.
PS I do not get a kickback from either Reynolds Wrap or 3M Duct Tape people