Sunday, September 20, 2009

How do you Get to Be On US Currency? Who Gets the Award for Best Hair on Money?

I was looking at money the other day and a puzzling question came to mind. How do you get to be on a US currency? Who decides? I am pleased to say after hours of research on US Currency (I really did do this), I know the answer. It's the Secretary of the Treasury who decides unlesss Congress overrules with a law that would probhit it's production.

I want to be on US currency, preferably a high denomination bill. If all I need is the Secretary's approval, I am set. I am going to suck up to him like nobody's business as soon as I find out who he is. I am going to send fan mail, expensive gifts, pictures of myself, a complete resume as to why I should be on money, and most likely, underwear. He will be my new best friend. I will impress upon him that he should put me on US currency even if it is almost worthless.

I don't have any money now, so rather than shop, I have plenty of time to research the topic of money. Any changes to the currency fall into my best friend, the Secretary of the Treasury' s job description. Nobody better say anything bad about him either. I'm nothing if not loyal to my new best bud, and I will tell him as soon as I find out who he is.

A common misconception is that you have to be a president. Ben Franklin was not a president, neither was Alexander Hamilton. Call me crazy but I don't think Sacajawea was, neither nor Susan B Anthony, nor Liberty, nor Mercury, nor a buffalo (unless you mean Taft) were presidents. There also was no Indian head president. That should start a furor if there was. I would have heard about that. You think Obama might.. Nah, crazy idea.

There is one significant problem with being on the US currency, you do have to be dead. Bummer. I find a plum job and discover I can't do it til I die, even if I do suck up like crazy. I have a plan. I'm going to print my own obituary and send it to him so he will put my picture on something after I have sucked up as much as any one human could and presumably have died. I'm twice as cute as most of those people who are on money. Have you checked out Ben Franklin? I really don't want to get so catty about Ben Franklin, but have you taken a look at his hair? I'll bet he had no idea it looked so bad. Old Ben would have done something different if he thought his face would appear on money two hundred fifty years on down the road. If he would have come to Dallas, I know a guy down at Salon D'Elegance that will fix him right up. Better style to suit his face, highlights, the works. My friend would have Ben looking like a rock star, instead of a matronly, deranged, long-haired, bald man. I guess the comb over was not invented in those days. That nagging rule about beng dead bothers me. It is the craziest rules I ever heard of, but I still think I can pull that one off. So if you are reading this, your picture is most likely not on the currency. Besides all the buffaloes are not dead (just almost).

There is a more serious side to being dead on money. The old Liberty silver dollars or was it 50cent pieces, I forget which it was after doing all this money research. This would mean Liberty is dead in the US? Oh, the comments we can make here. Liberty is dead? George W Bush killed her? Possibly Cheney. I never knew she was sick. What did she die of? Did she starve? Did the last Administration stifle her last breath. Go ahead, make your own joke here. And Mercury, could we replace that with Freddie Mercury of Queen fame? He is dead and had killer good looks. So it's cool by me and my best bud, the Secretary, to put Freddie there. Could we put the other band members on the back? I liked those guys especially Freddie. He reminded us all, we were the champions of the world, and fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round.

Three of my favorite president for money were Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Jackson. and Ulyessess Grant, mainly because of the hair. They had great hair and very classic good looks and deserved to be on money we all carried around for centuries. Now thats money worth hanging onto today. That cool, wild hair is classic with Andrew Jackson. Jackson easily gets the award for best hair on money. Abe's and Grant's aren't bad, but replacing Grant with Cary Grant is another idea and no one would notice. It is still a Grant bill.

There are also several denominations of currency notes that are no longer produced. We could do it again. These include the $500 bill with the portrait of William McKinley, the $1,000 bill with a portrait of Grover Cleveland, the $5,000 bill with a portrait of James Madison, the $10,000 bill with a portrait of Salmon P. Chase, and the $100,000 currency note bearing a portrait of Woodrow Wilson (see I did do research). If they were to place my picture on the $10,000 instead of Salmom Chase, would anyone know the difference? Also, I think it is pretentious to put my face in a $100,000.00 note My buddy, the Secretary would never get caught. Most Americans never even saw a $10,000.00 bill so no one would know. I think I left one as a tip by accident at TGI Fridays's once. It was dark. He looked like Abe Lincoln to me. Salmon Chase is a screwy name. It sounds like something that happens in the Pacific Nortwest when bears chase salmon. Those bears chase the salmon, and they fly right into their hands. I've seen it on TV, and it wasn't cartoons.

So put some pressure on my old buddy, the Secretary, to put me on the new $10,000.00 bill and get rid of Salmon Chase, (like anybody ever heard of him in the first place).


Anonymous said...

I went on a Salmon Chase one time. I think the largest bill I have ever seen was a $1000. How long have they been out of print? I wonder who has some of them, would be cool to see one. Are they "worth" anything?



$1000 bills haven't been printed since 1945 but NO Federal Reserve Notes have ever been declared invalid, so if you had one you technically could still spend it. However, that would be a pretty lame move because a collector would almost certainly pay anywhere from $1100 to $2000 even for the most common ones.

See how much I learned! Next time you go on a salmon chase, I'll get my best running shoes and go with you. We'll chase those rascals all over the Pacific Nortwest. We'll try to put our pictures on their faces and then release them. Maybe tiny little Salmon Masks. It'll confuse the hell outta the bears!