Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Don’t be a Flying Asshole

While recently reading a flight attendants' list of common courtesies on planes for making everyone's flight more enjoyable, I noticed it left out some very important issues. Please, when taking your next flight, observe the Ann Coulter's List of Proper Plane Etiquette:

1. While it may be necessary to make a phone call after taking your seat, keep the personal stuff to yourself. None of us want to hear that Mr Happy is going to be Mr Lonely for the next few days.
2. Don’t be a hog. Keep your fat ass in your own seat and do not let other body parts intrude into aisles or others' personal space. Keep elbows at you side so that the arm pits are never exposed. Arm pits are not pretty. Also, please keep your ass out of anyone’s face. It’s a little too intimate for perfect strangers.
3. Do not be the parent with the screaming kid. Changing altitude affects a baby’s ears. They do not know how to handle the situation with anything but a scream. Something to drink going up and coming down cures this. No one is disrupted and baby has no unpleasant experiences. Please, people, learn this simple fact.
4. Avoid porn when using computers in mid-flight. It makes people around you extremely uncomfortable when they are trapped with you for several hours. No one wants to go in the bathroom after you with the knowledge that you have looked at porn for 45 minutes. Do not take the laptop with you to the bathroom. We know what you are doing.
5. Do not get up more than 4 times during a flight. Do you know how annoying that is? If your bladder problems are that severe, stay home or use Depends . Also refuse liquids before and during flight if you are this leaky.
6. Do not eat a big old bean burrito prior to flight. The entire cabin appreciates it.
7. Do not get drunk prior to takeoff. People cannot escape you and they will be forced to kill you. I've seen it happen. We all agreed to never tell.
8. Don’t be loud and annoy the person beside you. While they may indulge in some chatter, they do not care to see your entire photo collection of your vacation, care about Uncle Henry’s hernia, Melissa's wedding, nor your entire medical history. During any flight, feign sleeping. If there is noise or accidental bumping, conversation, you can act annoyed by the disturbance. They will leave you alone if you make an angry face
9. Men, do not feign sleep as an excuse to let you hand slip on a woman’s breast. Accidentally touching a woman’s breast is not likely to happen anymore than accidental crotch grabbing is. We know and will slap you.
10. Avoid being the problem on the plane that has everyone on board angry when they deplane. Use deodorant. No stopping up the commode. No questioning every single item on the dinner menu (It’s beef or chicken) or drink list. Above all, no farting. We know who did it.

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