Sunday, October 11, 2009

USA Bombs Moon! Bill and Ted's Excellent Idea - Pre-Emptive Strike

DON'T MUCK WITH THE MOON Sometimes it is over whelming to listen to this talk about the recent bombing of the moon. One has to wonder who thought it up, why, and how. What were they thinking? It must have a bunch of NASA guys hanging around after work, getting shit-faced. They looked up and saw the moon in full glory. They pondered being a part of an organization that actually put humans up there. As the whole world watched, two humans walked on it.

Then one says to the other, "We ought to shoot that sonbeech right outta the sky."

The other says, "I've got a better idea. Let's bomb it. I know where we can get explosives. We have security clearance."

They look at each other and nod heartily. It was those two from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. They went to work for NASA.

Bill says, "Let's make a new crater."

Ted says, "Yeah, maybe they will name it after us."

Dick Cheney says, "Cheney Crater."

Bill and Ted wondered where Cheney came from, but that was a secondary issue, and proceeded forward with their excellent idea. It was one of those crazy things you decide to do on the spur of the moment. This is what happens when you allow NASA geeks to get "bombed" (no pun intended) with Dick Cheney. "Oh, The Humanity!"

There are several thing that worry me about bombing the moon:

1. We bombed the moon, and it didn't need bombing! What kind of f*^%ing (notice I did not say the forbidden word) thought process was that? It is an act by which we will be judged forever. I am sure this is a violation of intergalactic law. I looked it up in my Star Wars Manual and Star Trek Rules and Regulations. We bombed the moon without provocation, or at least I think it was. Better cover your asses. Your full moon is next.

2. If there was any life at this particular location, which was carefully selected, it ain't now. Was that the real reason? Were Moon Nation people planning an attack on Earth? Was it a preemptive strike? I think we killed ET. He won't be calling home again.

3. What are the long term side effects? That moon has a powerful gravitational pull just like Rush Limbaugh. It could create a black hole or a worm or even worse. Someone could actually make a bad movie about it like Revenge of the Moon Maidens. (That's right, there are only moon maidens, no men.) I really don't want to suffer through another bad Angelina Jolie movie. If we were going to bomb somebody's moon, it should have been Jupiter's. They have several, I think. Those NASA guys know for sure. If we messed up, they got plenty more. You don't muck up the only moon you have. Maybe we could lease one from Jupiter. Or we could put Rush up there with a big spot light. Better idea, and we get him off the planet at the same time. I should warn everyone that due to size and weight, Limbaugh does have a stronger gravitational pull than the moon. On the bright side, we'd always have a full moon.

4. What if we cracked the moon or broke it in half and it fell to Earth? "When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, it ain't amore." Can you imagine big chunks of moon falling all over us? It has to smell bad. In the Texas sun, that green cheese would reek to high heaven; even worse smelling at Cape Canaveral. Maybe that is why they did it in October.

5. There is the possibility that it could be a joke for Halloween among some NASA guys, you know, NASA Bill and Ted. It is one thing to play pranks, and I like it as much as anyone else, but bombing the moon? "Far out!" (Does anyone remember saying or hearing that in the 70's?) This really is a "far out" idea.

If we hypothesize that Dick Cheney was hanging out with Bill and Ted from NASA, then they would surely come up with an idea like that. Anyone who would shoot a "friend" in the face and make him apologize for getting in the way of his bullet, would certainly shoot a defenseless moon. Bill and Ted, being the benign, dimwitted, lovable guys they are, would not want to shoot anyone's face. NASA's Bill and Ted would have looked up at the moon and arrived at the same idea at the same time. Cheney would agree because it would be fun to shoot an even bigger face. It seemed like a win-win situation. They never thought about the moon raining down on us like a huge meteor shower, more like a storm. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this time we are doomed.

This will be the beginning of the end. Remember December 21, 2012. This is what the Mayans foresaw. It will take that long for it to break up and fall to Earth. We really did it this time. We brought about our own demise. Prepare as best you can. Hardhats for every family member. Suits of armour are even better. Tell everyone what they mean to you. Then, bend over and kiss your ass goodbye. That's all, folks.

However, I will pay $5 to the first person who brings me a good moon rock. I would like to give it as a Christmas gift just in case we make it.

1 comment:

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