Top 10 ways to Cope with the Holidays.

1. Reduce expectations and find joy in the fact that the refrigerator light still works.

2. Have a good place to hide from the crazy relatives. Under the bed is an excellent choice. Carry a blanket so you can immediately cover your head so no one knows you are there.

3. Buy a hard hat for yourself. Wear it until January 3, especially if you expect to go moose hunting with Sarah Palin

4. Get a yule log and a wassail when you figure out what they are. Get me one too. Buy lots of Coke in the Coca-Cola Santa can. That always makes me happy.

5. Write a letter to Santa and tell on everyone who has been naughty. Revenge is sweet, and you can’t put a bow on that package.

6. Have plenty of aluminum foil and duct tape around. It will come in handy for something. Never use aluminum foil as a substitute for a dinner plate. Never use a dinner plate as a substitute for aluminum foil. Never duct tape a turkey.

7. Remember silence is golden, and duct tape is silver. Knowing when to apply gold or silver is important. Do not duct tape any family members under 18. Do not expect any gold.

8. Make frequent visits to best friends, Jack Daniels and Johnny Walker.

9. Try to impress people by saying you knew two of the three original Wise Men.

10. Click your heels three times and say, "There is no place like somewhere else"