UFO Sighted Over Southern Baptist Convention in Burning Well, PA

United Press Association, Ralph Montero

At the 49th convention of the advent wiccan separatist branch of the Southern Baptist Convention, a well-lit, throbbing, elongated object was spotted approximately 498.73 feet above Rev. Al B. Damned's head. Several of the older female members fell down in praise of the upcoming Rapture. Younger virginal women fainted. The men in attendance stared in disbelief as the women began to loosen their clothing, some exposing their breasts. The women screamed, "The rupture, the rupture" and wrapped their legs around the men present. Apparently no men saw the light but feigned viewing the apparition while enjoying being felt up by writhing women. Their belts began to loosen as the women pulled and tugged on the opportunistic virile men.

It appeared the women were experiencing some sort of orgasmic ecstasy and the men mistook their words for "the rapture the rapture" and gave in to their aggressive advances. Of the 80 women present who saw the glowing phallus and stayed conscious, 37 have had positive pregnancy test results in the following days. 80% of the men had a ruptured appendix within 24 hours. Apparently the heavenly sign had gotten scrambled in the ozone. The misinterpretation of the prophetic phenomenon was blamed on global warming or ionic disturbance caused by satellite antennae at HAARP.